Adding one changes everything

Unfinished

2007-07-22T08:07:00.000-04:00

My daughter is walking, running, jumping, sliding, talking, and becoming quite the little person. That pretty much sums up the 23 unfinished blog entries that I have written over the past 6 months. There just never seems to be enough time to sit and finish what I have begun when it comes to the blog. I am going to keep trying to get the older ones finished but it might be more beneficial if I just write and finish a current entry.
We recently moved to a new house and it is taking a lot longer than I expected to get things done around here. We don't have any of our pictures up yet and to me a house just feels like a building without having some stuff hanging on the walls. I know that probably sounds hokey but without some personal touches, like ugly ceramic cats or autographed hockey pucks, I just don't feel like I am home.
Why am I talking about all the unfinished business in my life when this blog is supposed to be about my daughter and her dad? Well, over these past few months I have realized that no matter how much work we put into the raising of our daughter she is still unfinished. Just as I am constantly changing, so is she. She learns something new everyday and most days it's more than one thing. Whether it's learning that spilling the dogs water bowl all over the floor makes her socks wet or that banana peels aren't very tasty, she is forging her own path into the world. This path will never be finished until she decides it is and no amount of parenting is going to change that small, simple fact of life.
I have missed my time to blog, much like I miss being able to sit down outside and read a book or go for a long walk. Time is something that I always took for granted, and I still do. Being a parent of a 19 month old is hard, engaging, challenging, and at times frustrating. It is also the best thing that I have ever done in my life. My daughter is the best thing that has come out of my 36 year journey. I have made many mistakes along the way, as I am sure she will as well, but all of them have helped me get to the point where I am Samantha's dad. I guess that having a little unfinished business in one's life isn't always such a bad thing.

That time of year

2006-12-23T10:29:00.000-05:00

So many things have changed since my last entry that it's hard to know where to begin.

My daughter celebrated her first birthday on December 10 and it is so amazing how fast the time has passed. People have often told my wife and I to enjoy these times because before you know it they are gone. I didn't always believe it but now I can say with certainty that the first year of my daughter's life has gone by in the blink of an eye. It seems like it was just weeks ago when I watched her first come into our world yet now she has become our world. My wife often tells our daughter how happy it made us that she chose us to be her parents. At first that statement didn't really sink in with me but over time I have come to appreciate it more. That expression has come to symbolize to me how our daughter has changed our lives. Nothing is solely about my wife and I anymore, everything is about our daughter. That is an amazing statement for me to make and it says how far along this journey we all have come in this first year.

Each day with her has been a treasure that I hope to never lose. As my paternity leave comes to an end and I have to rejoin the work force I am both sad and happy. I will miss being with my daughter everyday, all day but I will also have someone else amazing and exciting to look forward to when I get home from work. Adult conversation occasionally will be nice but I will miss not being here to watch my daughter discover that cats can be fluffy and scratchy. She has learned so much in this first year and my wife and I have been with her every step of the way. Now she will experience daycare for the first time and all the pitfalls and possible highlights that come along with it. She will begin to learn how to socialize with others out of sight of mom and dad and this scares me. My daughter is one of the happiest little creatures that I have ever seen. She is always smiling, waving to people, and trying to enjoy her life. I don't want her to change, her happiness makes me happy and when she is sad so am I.

All of this is just the natural course of getting growing. Life is nothing without change, I just hope my daughter can keep her wonder and amazement about life as she experiences more and more of it.

I hope you have a truly wonderful, and magical Christmas.

The show must go on

2006-06-10T17:22:00.000-04:00

It was announced this week that the town of Hopkinton will not be
having their annual fireworks show this Fourth of July.
Under normal circumstances this is not such big news, certainly not
national or even state-wide news. However, in the area where I live
this news should be disappointing, discouraging and more than a little
bit depressing.

When my wife and I moved to Hopkinton four years ago the tax rate, or
amount of property taxes we paid on our home, was in line with the
taxes our friends who lived in Southern New Hampshire paid. Over these
last four years we have seen a steady increase every year and now we
pay about 35% more than we did four years ago. Our property taxes
now far exceed those paid by our friends. It seems with this amount of
tax increase the town can find the $4000 necessary for a fireworks
show someplace in the budget. I mean the town has somehow managed to
find, somewhere in the hundreds of thousands it collects, enough funding to put together a bid for an apple farm in order to preserve open space. It seems that it makes more
sense to pay for a fireworks show that can be enjoyed by hundreds of
families rather than to pay for an apple farm in order to preserve the open space
around the homes of fifteen families.

Most people from these parts will simply dismiss my opinions because I'm
not a "native". Apparently, I don't understand the New England way because if I
did I certainly wouldn't complain about preserving the open space
around these million dollar homes. If I were a "native," I would
understand that those families have always been here. These fifteen families helped
build the town and they deserve the financial support and respect from
the rest of the town in order to preserve the open space that they
have come to expect around their homes. If I was a "native" I would not think that these people can more than likely afford to preserve the open space around their homes with their own money instead of relying on town funds. As most readers of this blog are aware, I am not a native and I do not understand how the New England region can expect to stay vibrant and alive as it continues to make these kinds of one sided decisions. The New England region is slowing dying, young families are leaving for other areas at a faster rate than at anytime in history. When these young people leave they are not going to be coming back. They will discover that other areas of the country are welcoming to young people, welcoming to new ideas and decisions are made that benefit entire communities rather than just small segments.
Believe me, I understand the contradiction in the preceding paragraphs.
How can I complain about my taxes going up 35% while at the same time
complain that the town is not spending money on a fireworks show?
Shouldn't I be happy that the town is showing some fiscal restraint?
The short answer is no. The town of Hopkinton's saving $4000 in their budget
is probably like my saving $20 in my monthly budget: it is a
minuscule, insignificant amount in the overall scope of things. $4000
is about half of the taxes that I pay for the year so clearly this must not be
a money issue. There are least two food markets in town, two
gas stations, a couple of restaurants, and at least two banks. It
strikes me as questionable that the town could not get some
donations from these local businesses to sponsor the 2006 fireworks
show.

As I said at the beginning, this is a small issue in a small town in a
small state. It just seems that something this small that has the
ability to make people happy should be one of the last things
eliminated from the town budget, not one of the first. Granted, I am
not a town selectman or involved in the overall budgetary process for
Hopkinton. All I am is a homeowner, taxpayer and resident of Hopkinton
and I would like to see a fireworks show in my town just like I did
last year.

Time-out

2006-05-29T11:30:00.000-04:00

Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work.
Aristotle (384BC - 322BC)

As readers of this blog you know that it is about how my life is changing since I became a dad. It is also about how my daughter is changing in the time that she has been around. Today's blog is a little different and hopefully you'll stick around till the end.
I have been an air traffic controller with the Federal Aviation Administration for the last fifteen years. During that time I have been through many ups and downs, both personally and professionally. Most of theses downs have been due to decisions I have made, choices that I have made, or circumstances that I could have controlled. Surprisingly, most of these ups have also been because of things that I have done. Usually, the FAA is just my employer: I have a career, I am compensated, and I, in turn, give up three night shifts, one day shift and one midnight shift a week. If my work days are holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries then that is just the way it is. I work when I am scheduled because being an air traffic controller is, or at least has been, a career and not just a job to me. I was once proud of being able to say that I had a career as an air traffic controller. I felt that going into work provided me with a sense of purpose and was useful to the flying public and the overall good of the country. The FAA is intent on taking this career and turning it into nothing more than a way to put food on the table. My pride in this line of work is being taken away piece by piece and once the pride is gone it will probably never return.
Over the course of the last year and a half the FAA and the union that represents air traffic controllers, NATCA, have been embroiled in a contentious negotiation over a new contract. I am not going to get into the whole history of management/union rights at this time nor am I going to try to convince you that unions are good and management is bad. All I am going to try to do is make you aware that the FAA is not acting or negotiating in good faith. When the FAA entered negotiations they had two agendas. The first was to ensure that work rules, pay and benefits that had been earned over years of hard work and negotiations would be stripped away one by one. The second goal was to obliterate the union. Once the FAA realized that they could not get the union to agree to their demands through threats and intimidation the FAA declared the negotiations to be at an impasse and sent their last best offer to Congress.
This issue is so pressing that there is even a movement within the House of Representatives to force the FAA to act in good faith. If you can take the time to visit www.fairfaa.com you can help change the FAA's actions towards these contract negotiations by becoming more informed of the issue, and then contacting your elected congressmen. By doing this, you can help to insure that the FAA keeps air traffic control a career and doesn't let it become just a job.
This is not a partisan issue. The bill in the House is sponsored by a Republican, and many Democrats and Republicans alike support it. I am not going to get into a long Bush-bashing sermon; there are many other blogs and news sources that you can read for that kind of information. I am simply trying to raise awareness of this specific issue because the outcome of this contract will have long lasting and far reaching implications for both my daughter and myself. The flying public will also be impacted through delays at the airports when hundreds or thousands of controllers who are eligible to retire decide the new work rules just aren’t acceptable. Once these seasoned, experienced controllers retire it will take at least two to three years for their replacements to be able to do their jobs. As of now the FAA has not hired anywhere near the amount of controllers necessary to counteract a large onset of retirements. It’s simple really: the fewer eyes that are watching the sky the fewer planes that can be in the sky.
Please visit www.fairfaa.com today and ask Congressman Bass or Congressman Bradley to support HR 5449.

Small words

2006-05-17T22:35:00.000-04:00

Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.
Mahatma Gandhi

Well the rain seems to have loosened it's grip on my small part of the world. It was a long, wet ride but I did see the sun for at least part of the day. My thoughts and prayers go out to all those that are being affected by the flooding that this rain has brought. This small blog detailing the day to day changes brought about by the birth of my daughter is, of course, insignificant when compared with the issues of today.
I guess that my blog will always be insignificant when compared to any of life's real issues. This blog is never going to have the power to end the Iraq war or the genocide in the Drafur or the devastion in New Orleans. It won't do anything but perhaps make someone, somewhere smile and think "that's how I feel about my kids" or " I remember that feeling when my child was just a baby."
I have had serious thoughts about not posting anymore blogs until the flooding in the Northeast has ended. It seemed to me that my time would be better spent helping those in need. I then realized that by writing this blog I may be able to help one person, three people or thirty people that need to laugh, smile or cry.
This blog is not about ending the floods or what is wrong with the world today. It is simply about the story of one guy, me, one little baby, my daughter, and the changes that our lives have gone through, are still going through and will continue to go through.
There are more than enough resources to get all the information you can handle about what else is going on in the world. I am hopeful that when you read the words in this blog you can use them to get inside yourself for a few seconds or a few minutes and remember that as long as we can still smile we are all going to be all right at the end of the day.

Painless

2006-04-24T22:43:00.000-04:00

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love.

Sophocles

Our daughter had a shot today. It wasn't the first time that she has had a shot, she is half-way through her second round of shots. My wife and I have decided that she only gets one shot at each office visit. This makes us have to go to the doctor three weeks in a row but it makes the pain less for our daughter. At least that is the idea.
Today's shot must of been different because I have never seen my daughter act like she was today. She couldn't stop crying and it was an angry, I am hurt, why aren't you helping me? kind of cry. I looked into her eyes and she stared back into mine with this look of fear, pain and anger that I have never seen before in anyone else. She was looking to me to make her feel better and there was nothing I could do to ease her pain. I can't explain to her what is going on, why sometimes shots hurt. She can't tell me what hurts her, where it hurts or for how long it hurts. All I could do was look back into her eyes and cry. I felt powerless, like I had let her down and I just couldn't handle her little face being so hurt and afraid.
After about 2 hours of my daughter not acting right we called the doctor. Of course, the office was closed as it was 5:05 and we had to page an on-call doctor. If you have never waited for a doctor to call you back, the wiat time is tantamount to torture. When you have a screaming baby, and it's your first child, every moment that goes by waiting for the call is frustrating. By the time the call came I was all ready beginning to get our daughter in her car seat to take her to the emergency room. I shudder to think what that experience would of been like.
Thankfully, the doctor gave my wife some good advice and my wife was good enough to heed the advice. We got the baby to relax long enough to give her some Motrin and then we placed a cold towel on her leg close to where the shot was given. It took about twenty minutes but almost like magic our daughter returned to the smiling happy baby she has been since she first got into this world.
I have never really thought about how hard it must be for parents who have to deal with their kids when the kids get really sick. I am talking about cancer, heart problems or brain surgery kind of sick. I always felt compassion for these parents but after going through this small taste of what theat must be like, I honestly don't know how anyone can stay sane after going through that kind of an ordeal. Hopefully, I won't find out if my wife and I can stay sane through this. Perhaps, we will continue to be fortunate and our daughter will continue her healthy ways. I guess I have no right to ask for that good fortune but I am asking for it anyway.

Easter

2006-04-18T21:22:00.000-04:00

Take the attitude of a student, never be too big to ask questions, never know too much to learn something new.
Og Mandino

Our daughter is really responding amazingly to songs, music and singing. Yesterday was Easter Sunday so we went to church to try and keep some spirituality and perspective in our lives as parents. Our daughter was just amazed by all the singing.
As you can see from the photo, Samantha had her first encounter with the Easter bunny. Some of the things about the holidays and how we as parents are supposed to expose our children to them are very confusing. Which of the two is more important? Is it the bunny or is Jesus? Does it depend on her age or does it depend more on how we view the holiday? How do we prepare our daughter to be able to tell what is made up to sell her things and what is made up to scare her? How can we on one hand tell her that a magic rabbit is going to hide eggs around the house and leave her some chocolates while we know it certainly is not true? If we don't believe it should we be telling our kids that it's the truth? What kind of damage does the lying cause between parents and kids?
I suppose all of these questions have been asked and answered by thousands of parents. I just hope that we are asking the questions and that the answers are right for our daughter.

Through the eyes of a child

2006-04-11T17:17:00.000-04:00

Through the eyes of a child

by Michael McDonald

The eyes of a child, so innocent and pure
A childs heart is full of song
Take their tiny hand, and lead them to the light
As adults we see pain in this world
And it sometimes don't seem right

But through the eyes of a child
The world seems magical
There's a sparkle in there eyes
They're yetrealizelise, the darkness in there soul
The beauty of their smile
Adventure Ocean wide
Sure life is kinda gay but it doesn't seem that way,
Through the eyes of a child

So don't give up even when the road seems long
Just find that child inside of you
Yeah you got to find you
Spread your wings and fly
To the brightest star
And if you want, you want
I can get my friend Steve to detail your car
For about twenty bucks

But through the eyes of a child
The world seems magical
There's a sparkle in there eyes
They realize the darkness in their soul
The beauty of their smile
Adventure Ocean wide
Sure life is kinda gay but it doesn't seem that way,
Through the eyes of a child

Got a light on my hand
I've got a light on my hand
I've got a light on my hand, but still I can't find you
Light on my hand, where have you gone girl
Light on my hand, I'm coming up behind you
Light on my hand, Don't turn around now
Cause I Âm right there I Âm coming up behind you

Through the eyes of a child
The world seems magical
There's a sparkle in there eyes
There yet to realise the bastards the really are
The beauty of their smile
Adventure Ocean wide
Sure life is kinda gay but it doesn't seem that way,

Before we jump right into today's blog, let's take a few seconds for a personal announcement...beginning in two weeks this blog will be added to the Concord Monitor. Actually it will be added to the Concord Monitor's website along with a few other blogs. The Concord Monitor is New Hampshire's second largest newspaper and it reaches over 200,000 people in the captiol region of New Hampshire. From my perspective this is pretty exciting as this blog will begin to reach a much larger audience. Well that's the big news related to the blog and now on to your regularly scheduled programming.
Some old friends from North Carolina came to visit with us today and we went out to lunch. We also invited some friends that have a three and a half year old and a two and a half year old. I noticed that the people at the table behind ours were getting annoyed that the toddlers were making noise and acting like toddlers do. Not acting like bad toddlers, they were just acting the way young children act. They were talking a little loud and they were excited to be out at a restaurant. The behavior of the adults at the table behind us sparked some thought in my mind about how I acted before we had kids, how I viewed kids in general and how those views have changed since becoming a dad.
The older man at the other table obviously didn't like our friends' children. He was consistently rolling his eyes and made a motion like he wanted to break the glass water bottle on the edge of a table and stab someone with the jagged edges. I guess the thing that I found strangest was that this man had an infant seated at his table. I assume it was his grandchild because the other people at the table seemed to be the right age to have a newborn. The old man seemed to be interested in the newborn, he was holding the newborn while the baby's mom ate lunch. It was too strange to see someone have such contempt for other people's kids but nothing but love for their own.
I am saddened to admit that there have been times that I have felt annoyed with other people's kids in public. I habelieveever made beleive that I was going to stab them with a broken bottle but to each their own I guess. Now that I have become a parent my opinions about children have, of course, changed. My daughter has opened my eyes to the wonders of being a parent, enjoying the world through the eyes of a child. Seeing everything for the first time and just being amazed by everything that the world has to offer. I am lucky that I was ready to let me daughter show me these things.
I hope that someday the man at the table behind us can remember what being a child is like again. Everyone deserves to be able to see the world through the eyes of a child sometimes.

Soon enough

2006-04-05T21:11:00.000-04:00

Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Benjamin Franklin

I got to watch my daughter yesterday. Not such a big deal, I have watched her a few times over these past 4 months. Yesterday was a little bit different, I realized for the first time that I have no idea how to take care of my daughter. My wife has really been doing all the taking care of since my daughter was born and in a few more short weeks I will be taking care of our daughter full-time. We have a lot of work to get done between now and June 10.
The main thing that I am struggling with is how to get her to eat from a bottle. She just has no real inteest in doing it and I am not being patient enough to help her learn how to do it.
I guess there are certain things that moms can just do better than dads. My wife seems to have an inexhaustable supply of patience when she deals with our child. It really is quite amazing. It also is really quite intimidating because I know that no matter how hard I try I will, eventually, get frustrated. I guess my wife gets frustrated as well but she doesn't take it out on the baby. She has lost almost all patience with me!
That's okay our baby is only going to require all of her patience for a little while. I'll probably need it for the rest of our lives.

Opening day

2006-04-03T13:38:00.000-04:00

Words can be like baseball bats when used maliciously.

Sidney Madwed

Every year right around this time there is a sense of hope in the air throughout all of sports fan nation. Every team still has a chance to win the world series. Every team still has the opportunity to make their fans cheer, cry, lament and remember.
Today is opening day for major league baseball and the beginning of the baseball season marks the beginning of the spring to me. Baseball means that it's time to forget about the snow and begin to focus on all the new things that the spring and summer bring. New plants, new animals, new hopes and new dreams. I am not saying that you can't have dreams and hopes during the winter, they just come out more easily in the spring for me.
Just like a Pittsburgh Pirates fan (if you don't know this all ready, the Pirates are consistently one of the worse major league baseball teams) a new parent begins the journey or new season with all kinds of hope and anticipation. Any real Pirates fan, at least on opening day, will think "This year will be the year that the Pirates will turn it around, they're going to make the playoffs this year." They have all kinds of theories and stats that make this claim sound almost plausible. In reality, it's nothing more than wishful thinking.
The new parent will do things differently than their parents, they will strive to be better, to love their kids more, spend more time with them, teach them earlier the difference between hot and cold or right and wrong. Maybe the new parent will focus on making sure their child can read simple words before kindergarten or do some basic writing by preschool. Every new parent, at least I hope every new parent, has goals that they have for their newborn child. Much like a baseball fan who refuses to look into the past to see how their team will do in the future, new parents don't always focus on how they were parented before they begin parenting themselves.
Those who don't know history are doomed to repeat it...someone famous at sometime uttered those words. I don't think they were talking about parenting but they really could have and probably should have been, As a new dad I need to remember what I was taught as a child, how my parents were with me so I can use what I want in my parenting toolkit and leave the rest out. My daughter deserves the best that I can give her as a father, I think that learning how parents influence and affect their kids for life is a sobering, serious thing to do. It shouldn't be taken lightly, it is the hardest job that I can imagine.
I am glad that it's baseball season, Baseball lets me think about hats, hotdogs, balls, strikes, and foul balls instead of how monumental a task my wife and I have undertaken.

The end or a new beginning?

2006-03-31T21:30:00.000-05:00

Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents, which in prosperous circumstances would have lain dormant.

Horace (65 BC - 8 BC)

The Federal Aviation Administration and the National Air Traffic controllers Association have been trying for nine months to reach agreement on a new contract. Today, they have announced that they were done talking. The FAA will try and impose their contract demands onto its air traffic controllers in sixty days.
Needless to say, there are no pay raises or increases in the amount of leave that I will earn in a given week. Actually, what I will be receiving is a 30% pay cut, no more sick leave and two weeks of vacation time ( the FAA will select when I get my two weeks off).
This new contract is going to adversely affect just about everything that is in my life now. It probably is going to affect everything in my life from now until I retire, maybe even beyond retirement. Thankfully, we had our daughter all ready. I shudder to think of how the new FAA will treat a controller who happens to get pregnant without permission from the FAA. My wife will probably only get two weeks of maternity leave when she gets pregnant again. This will be a trying time for the air traffic control community. I understand that the entire aviation community has gone through some ups and downs, mostly downs, over the past 5 years. I guess it was time for my family to share in the pain that the rest of the aviation community has dealt with. Then again, I have never gotten to work 9 days a month and make $255000.00 like most pilots had done before the cutbacks. Pilots are working more with less of them. Controllers are getting ready to do the same. If the paycut goes through as expected at least 4500 controllers will retire immediately. They will make more retired than if they keep coming wo work so they would be stupid to stay (in my mind they are stupid to still be there but that is a different story). Unlike pilots, controllers can't go work for jetblue if they get laid off or pissed off with United. The only option for controllers is the FAA or we can go up to Canada and hope for the best up there.
Thankfully, this contract will only be in effect for four years. Hopefully, the next contract will be more friendly towards the air traffic controllers. Hopefully, when my daughter is old enough to realize what her parents do for a living we will be treated like people who are worth something. Right now I am not looking forward to this period of adversity that we are going to go through. Right now I am glad that my daughter is young enough not to understand the turmoil that is about to engulf my life, my wife's life and my daughter's life.
Just another legacy that george bush has to add to resume. Thanks so much george.

Fate or maybe not

2006-03-28T19:02:00.000-05:00

Chance is always powerful. Let your hook be always cast; in the pool where you least expect it, there will be a fish.

Ovid (43BC-17AD)

Well thanks to my sister, I have a new TV addiction that thankfully is disappointing me. 24 seemed like a good idea, it seemed like something that I would like, I actually really liked the first 4 or 5 hours of this season. Now, the show is really ridiculous and I am sad to say that I still am watching it. Martial Law in Los Angeles to protect 200000 people? Come on...the government tries to declare martial law in LA and 200000 bloods and crips alone would be dead before nightfall. The OJ riots would seem like a day at Disneyland compared to how that city would erupt if any government tried what is being done on 24. Then, as if to add salt to my wound, martial law is declared and they never talk about it again! I know I need to suspend my disbelief but I just can't take it anymore with this show. It's on at 9pm on Monday and I really can't wait to see what happens to President Palmer's brother this week. If you don't know what that means, save yourself 24 hours of TV viewing and don't try to figure it out.
Enough of that.
Do you believe in fate? That as we move around in this world sometimes things just happen for a reason? As my good man Ovid notes above, Chance or Fate is always powerful. If we choose to let it have the power. Sometimes I believe in it, usually when it's good fate I believe in it, bad fate I have no time for right now. Good fate or at least a weird coincidence happened today. In the mail was a letter from a realtor indicating that someone is interested in purchasing our house. If I hadn't just written yesterday's blog yesterday then today's letter may not of been that strange. As we consider moving selling the house is a big concern. We tried to sell it last year for a few months and we pulled it off the market before we got any serious interest. If we had the house sold before we went looking for a new one it would really make looking for a new house a lot easier. At least I think it would make looking for a new house a lot easier. On some levels it is almost like a chicken and an egg kind of situation.
If we sell our home first, then we will feel pressure to find something new because by a certain date we will, in essence, be homeless. If we find something we want to buy first, then we may end up with two mortgage payments for a while. Neither scenario is likely or desirable but both scenarios are possible.
Of course we could just stay put. Do nothing. Hunker down for the long haul. Stay the course. Ride out the storm. Or any other cliche that you can think of that pertains to not moving. Staying in place certainly alleviates the stress of moving. It doesn't alleviate the stress involved in staying put however. That is the catch-22 that I and my family find ourselves in.
Any suggestions?

Larger than life

2006-03-26T19:10:00.000-05:00

The great thing in this world is not so much where we are, but in what direction we are moving.

Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.

The Atlanta airport is getting ready to open a new air traffic control tower. The new one is much larger than the one it is replacing, actually Atlanta will soon have the tallest air traffic control tower in the US. If you look at the photo above you'll notice just how much larger than the old tower it is. The Atlanta airport is getting ready to open another runway. The city of Atlanta just opened up an aquarium. They anticipate 3 million people will visit their new aquarium this year. I would be surprised, stunned actually, if 3 million people visited New Hampshire in a year.
Some people are confused when I say that I would like to move to Atlanta. Why? is the famous question. My best answer is that Atlanta is growing, it is vibrant, it hasn't reached its peak and is not on the downward slide.
The weather is hot. It's probably too hot. The state income tax will probably mean that we take a paycut, although it will probably be a very small one. It will mean that we, my wife and I, are going to have to start over again. We will have to learn a new community, retrain in new facilities, try to make new friends and find some place to provide daycare to our daughter.
In New Hampshire, the opportunities for childcare are limited. The opportunities for child development are also limited.
It seems that in order for us to provide the best for our daughter, we may need to seriously investigate all the pros and cons of moving to another area. A national publication just rated New Hampshire as one of the top three places to live in the US. I don't think Georgia made the top ten. Of course, those ratings are very subjective. The author likes some things that New Hampshire has but some other states may lack. I didn't really memorize the article or the criteria that were used to determine the rankings. Maybe the study is right, maybe moving to Atlanta will wind up being some kind of a mistake. If it is a mistake though, it seems like a lot of people are making the same one. New Hampshire is also the third oldest state in the country. The population of the state is the third oldest I should say. Texas is the youngest state. Being in a state with such a large percentage of older people means the likelihood that schools will not take such a high priority to the voting population in the not too distant future. When schools don't get money they begin to go down hill and down hill fast.
With most things in life there are two ways of looking at things. Sometimes three or four viewpoints. None of them are necessarily wrong they are just different. I really hope that our viewpoint is the right one when it come to the best place for us to raise our child.

Afraid of the dark

2006-03-25T12:57:00.000-05:00

A conscience is like a baby. It has to go to sleep before you can.

Author Unknown

Over the past four days Samantha has slept right through the night. She has been falling asleep at 7:30pm and sleeping until 6:30am.
Last night was the first time she slept in her own room, all by herself, for the whole night. This may sound like a small step, inconsequential in the overall course of her life. For me it is the continuation of her becoming her own person. Although we were connected to her by the baby monitor, this was the first time that we as parents had to let her go so she could be by herself. There will be many more moments in her life that we will have to let go, this just happened to be the first.
First times are usually a little scary. The first time off the high board at the pool, the first time petting a strange dog, the first day of school, these are all firsts that kids have to go through on their own. We, as parents, can help her get to the point of "deciding do I or don't I?", but we ultimately do not make the choice for her.
Naturally, there are other firsts that kids do, first beer, first cigarette, first time sneaking out with boys. All of these firsts are looming out there. They are quietly waiting their turn to become part of my daughter's history. Hopefully when she gets to decide about some negative firsts we have taught her well enough that she will skip over most of them. Maybe not but hopefully she will.
Right now it's pretty cool that she went to sleep in her own bed. That's a first that we shared as a family. She doesn't know it, but this small first step has certainly made her mom and I very proud of her.

P.S.---Happy birthday to Grandpa Kenny, a day late is better than not at all :)

Marching along

2006-03-22T22:03:00.000-05:00

It is a wise father that knows his own child.

William Shakespeare

We watched the movie March of the Penguins tonight. If you haven't seen it yet, don't worry there isn't much of a plot that I am going to ruin for you. Basically, the penguins walk, they mate, the mom penguins leave, the dad penguins keep the eggs warm for the two months the moms are gone, the moms come back, the dads leave, then the dads come back, and finally the parents leave together. The chicks live on their own from that point forward.
This movie really shows some interesting things. The fathers watch the eggs, they keep them warm, if they drop the eggs they freeze within minutes...hence no more chick. If the moms don't make it back the chicks starve to death. If the dads don't make it back, the chicks starve to death. If an albatross flies by, a few chicks are going to end up in the albatross's stomach.
Most of the time working for the United States Government in the Federal Aviation Administration is annoying, frustrating and constricting. Sometimes, like this past Monday, it really sucks. Other days, like today, I couldn't imagine having another employer. My request for paternity leave was approved today. There really wasn't much of an approval process, the union contract states that my request has to be granted. Of course ,the FAA has a funny habit of not paying any attention to the contract so everything is always kind of a guessing game.
My last day of work is going to be June 10. I am not going back until March 10, 2007. If you're counting at home that is a total of 9 months. Nine months that I get to share in just about every moment in my daughter's life.
This is kind of like how the emperor penguins in Antarctica do it. My wife stayed with our chick, kept her warm and watched her grow while I was gone. Now I am coming back, and wife is going to go to work and I will be watching our little "chick". This is probably the way this routine will work until one of us retires. We are going to spend very few and very precious moments together as a total family unit. Parenting and working tasks are going to be shared and I wouldn't have it any other way.
The male penguins form an amazing bond with their babies. So do the females. Some where along the line humans strayed off of this course. We left the bonding process up to just the mom and the baby. For one time in my life I am look forward to being more like an emperor penguin than a human.

It's not what we say, but how...

2006-03-20T20:58:00.000-05:00

Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength.

Eric Hoffer

I learned again today that there are right ways and wrong ways to talk to people. I got told at work that I was "pissing" someone off and "if I knew what was fucking good for me" I would stop whistling immediately. At first I was stunned by how blatant his use of profanity was, then I was surprised that he said it, then I stopped whistling.
Obviously, this was said to goad me into some kind of a response. To get me to do something which I would later be sorry that I did. Unfortunately, I didn't do anything, I just stopped whistling and continued on with my workday.
Inside my mind however this led to a snowball effect, it made me sad, than angry. It bothered me until I got home and then I got angry with my wife. I never get angry with my wife and I allowed this moron to get me angry enough that I took it out on my wife. This person who means less to me than a flea on a dog crap affected my whole day. He got what he intended and I let him get it. This won't happen to me again.
There are some people in life who push our buttons. We need to realize what it is about these people that affects us so negatively or we will fall again and again into this trap of anger and frustration. For me, I have a real hard time understanding what it is about this person that bothers me. Is it the fact that he talks to people like he is above them but actually he is just a scared, little man? Is it the preferential treatment that he shows to some at the expense of almost all others? Is it the fact that he is totally and utterly unqualified to do the job that he holds? It is probably a combination of all of these things. It is a rare combination, I can honestly say that there have only been two other people in my life that I have despised as much as I do this person.
My daughter is also going to run into people occasionally with whom she won't get along. I need to be able to show her how to deal with it when it happens to her. As of now I am totally incapable of teaching her this skill. As I have written in a few past blog entries I do not claim to be perfect or fully developed in all areas. This is certainly one area that I can use a lot of improvement in. Perhaps this is why this person has wound up in my life. Maybe fate realized that I am inadequate in this area so I am supposed to try and work things out with this person. Maybe I just need to get over it, move on and adopt the motto "some people are just asses". Whatever I am supposed to do, I hope that I figure it out before I have to go back to work on Thursday.

Endangered no more

2006-03-18T15:16:00.000-05:00

In all things of nature there is something of the marvelous.

Aristotle

It seems that people can, sometimes, do the right thing. It was announced today by the Department of the Interior that the Great Lakes gray wolves are no longer endangered. This is big news, it proves that with the right management people and animals can share this earth and everyone can get along.

Pretty much my whole life I have heard about the destruction that we humans are causing to this planet. We are destroying it with pollution, too much garbage, too much smog, too much waste. The icecaps are melting, the air will never be clean, the crap we put into the oceans will eventually kill everyone and everything. It also has been a fairly common theme throughout my life that no one is really doing anything about it. The governments argue if any problems actually exist. People use and consume with little regard or care for each other or for the future. Recycling fades come and go like fashion statements. Solar power, electric cars or wind farms have yet to yield any tangible results. I guess the occasional Greenpeace guy on a raft yelling at some polluter or helping to clean some birds is about the best I have learned to expect.
My daughter is going to begin to realize things about the world outside of her immediate family and her home in a few years. It is scary to think that some of the things that we take for granted today may be distant memories by the time she is my age. Things like clean air and water. Things like food free of disease, chemicals and pesticides. Things like wild animals, trees, grass, bugs and flowers.
Returning this small group of wolves probably won't affect my daughter directly. Most likely she never will see a great lakes gray wolf. It's just nice to know that some people, somewhere put the time and effort in to make sure she can see one if she wants to.

Lost, found and lost again

2006-03-17T15:03:00.000-05:00

Did you ever see an unhappy horse? Did you ever see bird that had the blues? One reason why birds and horses are not unhappy is because they are not trying to impress other birds and horses.

Dale Carnegie

Some scientists have been arguing for years about the status of the ivory billed woodpecker. Long thought to be extinct, there was some excitement in the birding community when a few sightings and a video tape surfaced that showed the bird alive and well in an Arkansas swamp. Sadly, the most trusted bird guy in all of the land says that the videotape and sightings are mistaken and the bird actually has been extinct for some time,
This semi-controversy is interesting to me from several points of view. First, it proves yet again that some people will believe anything as long as they want to believe it. Weapons of mass destruction? Sure. Bigfoot? sure. Nellie living in loch ness? of course. Alien abductions? absolutely, my wife's cousins best friend was abducted just last week.
Sometimes when we are shown irrefutable proof that something does or does not exist we can't see it because our mind blinds us to the truth. We have been raised to believe certain things about ourselves, about our world and as we grow older we never take the time to challenge these self imposed, learned limitations. Our minds chain us to these past beliefs, to the time we tried something and we failed. We learn to never try to do that again. If we try it again we will only fail again. Our minds can become a more restrictive, suffocating place than any penitentiary.
When I was younger I was told that I couldn't do certain things. Some of it came from my teachers, some of it came from my parents, some of it came from my friends. It's not important who put the thoughts out there, it is important what my mind did with them once they got inside. I never really developed the skills or courage to challenge my self doubts. I think I am a lot better at challenging myself now than I used to be. My wife helped me learn this skill, although she most likely doesn't know it.
I don't want my daughter to develop the self doubts that afflict everyone. I would prefer she live a life of happiness, bliss and never experience any sadness. This, of course, is not reality. She will have sadness, depression and unhappy moments just like I do, her mom does and you do.
As parents we need to enable her to deal with these issues in life. She needs to be taught to challenge her self doubts, challenge her inner critic when it says things that make her sad. If she learns from a teacher that she isn't such a great singer, she needs to be strong enough to challenge that belief the next year, with the next teacher. I hope we can show her not to wait too long to challenge her negative thoughts. The longer they stick around, the harder they are to question and eradicate. If they stay around long enough we meld them into our psyche, they become part of how we identify ourselves to the world.
Part of being a parent is to have some sort of a guideline of what you want to impart onto your kids. You need to have some sort of a plan, it can't be a willy nilly kind of thing or you are likely to leave out some important things. I just want to make sure that I try to teach her all that I possibly can so she can be the best person she can possibly be.

Long time no see

2006-03-16T22:15:00.000-05:00

In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.

Mark Twain

I got an angry email from a faithful reader today. It seems that my two week hiatus has actually been noticed by someone other than my wife. My goal when I began writing this blog was to chronicle the first year of my daughters' life. It fascinates me that anyone else reads it but it sure is nice to know when someone is.
My writing has taken a turn towards repetition, when I start a new blog I feel as though I have all ready written about this before, so I delete the blog entry and try again the next day. Granted, I am no Hemingway or Faulkner but some may call what I am going through to be a bit of writers block.
Everyday is something new in my daughter's life, but everyday is not something so new that it is easy for me to write about it. Sometimes life gets in the way. I am not always able to sit down and devote the time necessary to write something meaningful
What I fail to realize is that my daughter's life is being lived, every hour that goes by she is becoming older, smarter and more like a person rather than an infant. These steps need to be written down, No matter how small, she deserves to know about it and I need to write it down for her.
Some of the blogs that follow will therefore be short, some may be long. Some may sound the same as previous blogs, some may not make any sense to anyone other than me. I ask that if you read this blog and you don't see an update after a week...please email me and get me back on track.

Tin Pusher part three

2006-03-12T06:44:00.000-05:00

Tin Pusher Part Three (of Three)

I clear an aircraft for takeoff to New York. He lifts off safely and as I switch him to the departure radar controller I turn back to the television just in time to see the second airplane hit the second tower. Within seconds a notice comes out to stop all traffic to New York. Almost all of the aircraft taxiing to my runway are headed in that direction.

“Attention all aircraft; All traffic to New York and surrounding airports has been stopped. Please contact your companies and then Ground Control to return to your gates.” “How long will the delay be to New York?”…One pilot inquires. I look at the two burning towers and answer, “Sir, I don’t think that anyone is going to New York today.”

Minutes later the reality of the situation is filtering through the system. These were not lost small aircraft, others are now missing. The new message comes out… “STOP ALL TRAFFIC IN THE UNITED STATES!”

Our jaws drop but only for a second. There is much to do. They can not take off but thousands must still land. “Attention all aircraft; All traffic in the United States has been stopped. Contact your companies and Ground and return to your gates.” I simply can not believe that these words just came out of my mouth. I am shaking. A walkie talkie in the back of the tower crackles and then the voice of the Radar supervisor booms that a United Airlines Aircraft is a confirmed hijacking and heading towards the Washington D.C. area and that we must evacuate the tower.

A couple of brave controllers stay behind to assist returning airborne aircraft to the airport. Just before one of them leaves to catch up to us, she sees and reports an unidentified primary target heading towards Washington D.C. Our supervisor notifies the White House and it, too, is evacuated. Within seconds one of our brothers from National Tower can be heard shouting over our speakers that the Pentagon has just been hit by an airplane.

We gather at a nearby restaurant, not too far but not too close to the airport, to await further instructions. Like everyone else, I dial repeated and unsuccessful calls to reach family members; my children’s father, the airline pilot, my sister, the flight attendant, my brother who works at another Washington D.C. airport.

We sit together watching the events and information unfold on the restaurant TV. The newscaster suddenly announces the identity of the aircraft that had hit the Pentagon. Wait a second…that was our airplane! It is the first time that we realize that the fated aircraft took off from our own airport by our own instructions---how long ago was that? It seems like days and yet it was only a couple of hours ago. In horror we realize that we just talked to that very flight crew and then the other reality sets in; that as we parked our cars that morning and we got our Starbucks and went through the security lines, we walked among them. Not just the victims but the terrorists, too.

It will be hours before I reach my aviation family and am assured that they are safe. Eerily though, the pilot ex- spouse was number two for take off at the fated Boston Logan when air traffic was shut down.

Along with all other Americans that day, our lives, our security, and our sense of safety are forever changed. For Air Traffic Controllers, we are still reminded every day as the procedures have changed, and a new type of vigilance is required that adds to the stress that we already experience as controllers. We police the skies above Washington now, along with separating thousands of airliners. We talk to every single private pilot now, tripling our workload with no extra staffing to do so. And we watch every second of every day, every single target on the radar scope, to ensure that America is safe.

It’s 2005 and I have just read some disturbing and inaccurate public comments from our Administrator. It seems the FAA thinks that I am under worked and overpaid and that this job just isn’t that stressful.

I return home from another late evening shift; I see uneaten cold and spoiled dinners on the counter; I see backpacks still by the door most likely untouched since the bus dropped off the kids, and homework, what homework? One teenager is asleep on the couch, always afraid to go to bed until Mom is home for the night. With the rotating schedule I haven’t seen them in four days. I kiss the littler one good night and the older one, well you can’t find her through the mess in her room.

I peel another ruined blouse off and contemplate burning it or attempting to save its life. Like so many before it, it has been sacrificed to an overworked, understaffed day and it finds its way into the trash. Tonight I lay awake sleepless and my mind is unable to quiet down. Some nights it is caused by too many airplanes in too little space that we are expected to work miracles with; sometimes it is nightmares of the pilot who turned left when you said right and the ensuing chaos as you pry him apart from another aircraft. Just yesterday the sleepless night was due to the pilot who descended too low over a hill in Leesburg, Virginia, a knoll that has already claimed so many lives before this one and how I yelled frantically for him to climb, climb, climb.

But tonight I lay awake thinking and worrying about contract negotiations and how I will pay the bills if this administrator were to cut my job or pay. Even a pay freeze would devastate my family as inflation and bills rise along with my mortgage but my pay wouldn’t. In high cost of living areas controllers are already forced into long commutes in order to serve. And let’s face it, I made my financial commitments based on the agency’s commitments to me. To rescind that now would mean certain bankruptcy for thousands of us.

So, as I lay awake I wonder…how does a single mom find time to supplement income to feed the kids and start this year’s college? Do I work planes by day and then waitress all night? Do I clean houses by day and then planes all night? Can I stay awake on the job and stay healthy? How do we controllers who leave before the kids and miss dinner with them every night find time to salvage our financial futures if the FAA freezes or cuts our pay?

Or will they resort to this “productivity increase” we have been hearing about. More hours per shift in the trenches and less breaks. We are already short controllers, and the FAA themselves said they would start hiring!! Never mind the down time needed to de-stress and refresh that is absolutely paramount in between nightmare sessions of chaos during the rush hours of the skies. Never mind the time the mind needs to quiet down in between the roller coaster rides in order to approach the next turn in the barrel refreshed, sharp, and ready to turn another Heavy Metal rock band into a Classical Symphony.

My mind is ablaze. What of the sick time or vacation time that the FAA might reduce? I have climbed those twelve flights of tower stairs pregnant and resembling a whale; I have climbed them on crutches after surgery; climbed them with swollen joints and Lyme disease; I have transmitted separation instructions raspy with Bronchitis, and after cancer prevention surgery; I have shown up to push tin hours after my teenager rolled her convertible, and hours after she broke her ankle at the prom; and thankfully it was a darkened room when I moved those airplanes so efficiently, in spite of a face swollen and covered in Chicken Pox.

But what of the times when you are so sick or injured or so worried about a family member that you can’t safely concentrate on airplanes? Even a migraine headache or a sleepless night can reduce the sharpest controller’s decision making process and slow the critical response time in crucial moments. Would the FAA require us to work at such times? Is that what they desire for the safety of the flying public? Is that a productivity increase?

Ms. Blakey says that we are overpaid compared to others. I wonder…are they home for dinner; home for French toast and coca coca on Christmas mornings? Can they take Nyquil when they have a cold, or take the morning off for a school play? I wonder if everybody just tells their kids they can’t play high school sports because there is no way to pick them up when Mom is on evening shifts and there’s no one to watch them anyway.

I once had an Orthopedic Surgeon tell me that the only cure for the painful locked up muscles in my back was to leave this stressful job. After several months of medicines, MRI’s, and physical therapy I was told, “You know, your job is just too stressful. Your back won’t relax until you leave your job.”-------and yet again I read in the papers that the FAA Administrator says that I am under worked and overpaid.

Her words still ring in my ears about our salary. For my eighteen year FAA career I have always worked the busiest facilities and the top paid. And yet as a single parent living in the expensive Washington D.C. area, just a few years back my salary was $63,000 per year. Around here these days, that gets you subsidized housing. The “Bad deal” contract that Ms. Blakey
detestfully refers to took that income and raised it on a steady incline over several years to reach the competitive and fair number that is correctly proportionate with the skill levels and sacrifices required to perform our duties. (And which by the way are still not the incorrectly inflated numbers the Administrator quotes to her audiences in those controller bashing speeches.)

August 20, 2005: We drop my daughter off as a freshman at college. She is the age that I was when I first became an Air Traffic Controller. It is a four hour drive there and we don’t arrive until 8pm at night because I couldn’t leave work early. The other parents have all since come and gone. A quick unpack of the car, a hotel night, and a quick goodbye breakfast to rush four hours back to the evening shift. This monumental moment in our lives is befitting of the last eighteen years of my daughter having an Air Traffic Controller mom; Quick hello---good bye---gotta go to work.

On the ride home from the college I tearfully wonder where the years went. Twenty years on the job and the only Christmas I spent all day with her was when I had that nasty Chicken pox. Eighteen years as her mom and I never had weekends off with her. Twenty years of, “sorry, I have to work on your birthday, sorry I can’t see you leave for the prom, sorry I was late to your graduation…”

We sacrifice our families, our friendships, our health, and our lives. Overpaid?! Is there any pay worth that 50 feet of separation and that agonizing wait to exhale? Is there any pay worth running out of the airport after hearing one of our own just went into the Pentagon and another is heading this way? Is there any pay worth permanent back aches, hundreds of ruined blouses and countless sleepless nights? Is there any pay worth dropping your kid off at college and realizing that you missed her growing up and it’s too late to pick another job and do it all over?

We don’t do it for the pay. It is who we are. It is what we take pride in doing. Even now, as the atmosphere has turned sour and negative and the agency is trying hard to take our pride away from us. We still know what we do every day even if Marion doesn’t. And we are still proud! Getting the lost student pilot with the cracking voice safely on the ground; hearing the quick “Nice Job” from a sympathetic pilot as he switches frequencies because he appreciates how busy you are and how exhausted you are after getting him and thousands of others to the end of their routes. I am still proud!

The four hour drive from the college is complicated by an insidious illness that has been sneaking up on me. By the time I arrive at work I am doubled over in pain. It is a Saturday night. The neighbors are having a Bar-b-Q. No sorry, I can’t make it, you know, gotta work: No they don’t know. They are home every weekend. I limp into the Tracon to await a position assignment. Surprise, you’ve been randomly selected for drug testing. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Do not stay with your nervous daughter for the weekend or help her unpack. Do not go to the neighbor’s party. Go directly to the special room so you can pee in a special cup for the stranger.

Escorted to the water machine by the stranger like a common criminal, it then takes two hours of bottled water and direct supervision to give her what she wants and then I am free to limp sickly back to work airplanes. As I hobble back to the cold dark room---the place I see more than my children---I am embarrassed and ashamed, resenting the drug testing I was just forced to humiliatingly endure. I am modest and ill and I have never tried so much as a cigarette. Then it comes to me; those words twenty years ago from that very first flight surgeon on that very first day.

“Congratulations. You are going to be an Air Traffic Controller. Your body is no longer your own.”

They can try to take away a lot of things from us, John, but they can’t have my soul. And I have the soul of an air traffic controller. Tell the FAA that’s the one thing we’ve got on our side that’s non-negotiable.

Sincerely,

Controller X

Tin Pusher Part Two

2006-03-11T06:43:00.000-05:00

Tin Pusher Part Two (of Three)

It’s 1987…how long was I in FAA remission? Only a year and a half. Was I nuts to be walking back into a Washington D.C. area tower and embracing once again the art of moving metal? I think in a way we are all a little nuts. It takes a certain personality and strength to voluntarily put yourself in the constant center of chaos and stress day in and day out. It’s like a roller coaster ride that scares you and yet thrills you and you can’t get off. We have a rhetorical question, “Which comes first, the crazy people who want this job, or the job that makes the people crazy?”

It’s 1990 and I am training on my very last position. It has been three hard years and for some even four. It does not go missed that we could have completed medical or law school in this amount of time. I am expecting my second child and thankfully still have a trainer plugged in with me; Because more times than I can count, I must suddenly unplug and run into the nearby men’s room to say goodbye to the hasty out -the -door breakfast that I choked down while the normal world was still asleep.

The smiling face of a sympathetic supervisor always guards the door understanding that the lady’s room was a daunting flight of stairs away.

Mouth rinsed, I return, plug in, and carry on. Sometimes watching the green sweep go ‘round the scope I would worry about radiation and pregnancy. But assured by the FAA that there were no documented problems, I continue. It would be years later when I would realize my fortune at having such a healthy baby when we controllers calculated that over 50% of the babies born to that facility in recent years had some sort of a birth defect or health problems. No one will ever know why.

Eight months pregnant and 45 pounds of water, (that’s my story, never mind the late night Pop Tarts), The Airport Authority and its perfect timing chose to disable the tower elevator for two months of refurbishing. Climbing 12 non-air conditioned July concrete flights did nothing to rid those Pop Tart, I mean water pounds. Of course I never did get a thank you for making the unbearable daily hike to help the understaffed operation but I did once get a nice back room counseling session for being late after a 6th floor stop to catch my pregnant breath.

It’s 1994 and I am asked to return full time from maternity leave to help a floundering trainee with a last chance effort at succeeding on the intense unworkable roller coaster of all rides---Final. I left the baby boy behind and gave the trainee all that I had. My family sacrifice ended in one washed out trainee, an operational error with only 50 feet separation, two weeks of bad dreams, and a spot on The Learning Channel titled, “Understanding Air Traffic Control.”

Fifty (50!!!) feet apart in the middle of the clouds and me holding my breath! When those two targets came apart on the other side I exhaled; I still had 16 more aircraft under my control in a tiny airspace waiting for instructions. I still had work to do and it would be the longest thirty minutes of my life before the short staffing would find another controller to relieve me.

While listening to the tapes and reliving the near disaster, somewhere in the terminal two airline pilots were shaking hands. Having sought each other out after an unexpected meeting in the clouds, they followed up with a call to the facility graciously commending my performance and chastising the FAA for allowing any controller to be put through such an impossible Rubik’s cube of traffic. I took two weeks vacation, sent my family packing, and sat locked inside my home thanks to a record breaking shut- the -city -down ice storm. Seems 8 foot waves and San Diego sunsets are a distant dream now. For days and nights I relived that moment over and over and contemplated and second guessed how I could have prevented it. The nights were sleepless and if I was lucky enough to sleep, it only brought nightmares of the near disaster.

My husband of ten years was by then an Airline veteran who used to truthfully joke that his biggest worry day to day (in the 7 days per month that he flew) was whether to choose the chicken or the fish. He used to say that he did not get paid for what he did every day, that he was paid for what he might have to do in a moment’s notice. A heroic United pilot in Sioux City comes immediately to mind.

You could not pay Captain Al Haynes enough for what he endured that day in Iowa and the FAA does not pay me enough for what I went through that day in Virginia, and what I have heard in my head thousands of times since.

The FAA Administrator who is now holding my career in her hands…I sometimes wonder. She remarks about Hollywood’s Pushing Tin, but has she taken the time to view The Learning Channel’s, Understanding Air Traffic Control? I don’t think she has. You see, the actual audio tape from my close encounter of the worst kind is played out during the one hour documentary. I myself can not watch it without sweaty palms and a lump in my throat.

She's a professional whose former position was to run the National Transportation Safety Board. I would imagine that somewhere along the way she must have tip- toed through a gruesome and heartbreaking scene with a scarf held over her face. Hasn’t she seen first hand the horror of what happens when the targets don’t come out the other side? Could she really stand in a hotel room shower trying to scrub away the acrid smell of disaster and later in speeches minimize the stress and trivialize what I and 14,500 other Air Traffic Controllers do every single day and night?!

Can Ms. Blakey really believe that just anyone can and will do this job? And that it only takes a high school diploma? That is like telling every college drop out that he can become a Bill Gates. Or tell every basketball player cut from Varsity that he will become a Michael Jordan.

About two thirds of my coworkers have military backgrounds and the other third have college degrees. Oh yes, there are the lucky few who manage to succeed with only high school behind them, but the FAA has also spent millions on trainees with no background only to eventually wash them out.

It’s 2001 and I am training a new gal in the tower. Not really a new gal because just before I had danced at the prom to a Beatle’s tune, this lady had been a Washington D.C. controller, but got caught up in the strike of 1981. Now ten years and two presidents later she was rejoining the world of aviation. I am teaching her about a runway rule that is not favored by controllers or pilots but the FAA insists upon it because it reduces delays.

At that moment a pilot has an emergency and my back turned to my trainee, I am coordinating with other personnel regarding the pilot’s situation and the need for fire and rescue equipment. In the blink of an eye, I miss the trainee’s incomplete landing clearance to a different aircraft. Attention now on her and the approaching aircraft, I recognize her omission and have her take action to correct it. All seems well and the aircraft are separated and land safely. However a jump seat rider takes issue with the trainee’s handling of the initial instruction and the situation snowballs. It is just the sort of thing that the bureaucrats are looking for to kill the procedure, and I am about to become the sacrificial lamb.

Days later I am called to a formal conference; sort of a hearing outside of a courtroom. I am greeted outside the ominous doors by an attorney from the U.S. Justice Department. He hands me his fancy card and assures me that he is there to represent me in the inquest.

The party inside that awaits me besides my new best friend from the Justice Department consists of FAA Headquarters, the NTSB, ALPA, NATCA, and local personnel. Everyone has their own agenda. In the end me---and the ever unpopular “Land and hold short“procedure ---are beheaded.

I didn’t suffer water droplets or bamboo shoots during the interrogation but being party to an official lynching wasn’t worth the Chai Tea Latte that my trainee sheepishly handed me afterwards.

I hear now that the FAA would like to do away with the measly ten percent training pay incentive; I’d rather teach my teen to drive again than train new controllers resulting in near mid airs, NTSB inquisitions, or lawyers from the Justice Department. Ten percent is a joke….if it was all about the money this measly pittance wouldn’t be enough!

It’s a beautiful Tuesday morning in September, 2001; as I clear planes for takeoffs and landings at Dulles International, I turn around to watch confusing scenes on the television of a World Trade Center building on fire. The TV is normally restricted to weather information in the tower but this morning we cannot wait until our breaks downstairs to hear more on the mind boggling event. Everyone is surmising about a lost private pilot. How many of these have we worked through the years?

Coming tomorrow....The final installment of "Tin Pusher.........."

Tin pusher part one

2006-03-10T19:11:00.000-05:00

Over the next three days I will be publishing a letter that appeared on the NATCA presidents' blog, the mainbang. NATCA's president, John Carr, gets a lot of materai; for his blog from his readers and this particuliar letter does a really great job of explaining the feelings and costs associated with being an air traffic controller.
On the main bang the author of this letter was never mentioned so I can not give credit to the mysterious woman who wrote it. All I can do is say thank you to her and provide another forum for her words to reach a different audience.

Dear John,

Its 1982, a typical steamy spring day in San Antonio, Texas when a young naïve girl from Southern California gets summoned to see the US Air Force Flight Surgeon. She can’t imagine why or what a Flight Surgeon even is. As the intimidating officer tells me---that eighteen year old girl---that I am about to undergo an extensive physical, I quickly object, insisting that I had already done so upon entering the USAF. Right down to being made to waddle like a duck in my underwear. It is then that she, the lady Doc, explains that all Air Traffic Controllers are subject to much more thorough exams and that my body is no longer my own.

“What do you mean Air Traffic Controller?!” I shriek. Isn’t that the crazy job where the President just fired everyone? No, no I explain, I am here to become a Linguist. “Oh, you’ll be learning another language,” she responds while listening to a heart that must have sounded like a runaway train. “Sort of a Pig Latin for aviators. No, nothing exotic like Arabic or French. You’re about to become an expert in Phraseology.” And then she went on to explain that whole “body not my own” concept of being subject to drug testing and not permitted to take medicine, over the counter or otherwise; and how everything I ever do again is subject to the explicit approval of a Flight Surgeon. From cold medicine to an after work cocktail, everything I injest will now be subject to someone else’s scrutiny, on demand.

It is 1983 and I am still green at the radar facility where the wind chill is 50 degrees below zero outside and I am still wondering when they will figure out their mistake and send me to the Linguistic school in beautiful Monterey, California. I thought to myself, “What have I gotten myself into, this separating of B-52’s and F-106’s along with the occasional Europe bound jetliner that must trek over North Eastern America before heading over water?”

I don’t know what is more traumatic for a 19 year old California girl; the 8 foot snow banks where there should be 8 foot waves, the potato farms where there should be malls, or the fact that as an Air Traffic Controller with a 6-day work week and shift work, that I have all but given up on a social life before I was old enough to start enjoying one. I was issued a parka, an ATC manual, and frostbite instructions. Where did they think that I would get frost bite working in a dark basement six days per week!?

It’s still 1983 and cancer steals my grandfather. With a tiny and dwindling family, I need to be there for my mother and sadly I am told that I may not attend the funeral far away in a sunny place called home, for I am an Air Traffic Controller in training and we are not permitted to take annual leave until we have completed the intense training program. As I sadly inform my mother that she is alone on this one, I vow that I will never miss another funeral. (I was still naïve, of course.)

Weeks later when my grandmother, my last remaining grandparent dies, and I cannot help myself. I try again. “Yeah, yeah, I know….I’m an Air Traffic Controller and I can’t go…blah blah blah.” Well my Dad had just passed three years before so there were only two family members to say goodbye to his mom and I wasn’t one of them. If you’re in the profession you know the drill…this was only the beginning of many years of missing heartbreaking funerals.

Weeks later my sister gets married. A beautiful Hotel Del Coronado wedding. The closest I get to the Hotel Del or Coronado Island is watching an old Marilyn Monroe movie that was filmed there before I was born. Again, little did I realize that this would be only one of many weddings that I would be forced to miss in the name of Air Traffic. Sometimes after a long night of studying and working KC135’s (flying fuel tanks) with engine fires and hot brakes I would collapse in the metal bed with the scratchy wool blanket and listen to the others coming and going and laughing and living. We (and I do mean “we,” as my profession morphed to become my family) had a song for those lucky ones, who still owned their own bodies, who worked nine to five, making heady decisions while pushing paper, not tin: “I want to be an Admin’ Ranger…livin’ a life of paperwork and danger.”

It’s 1984 and I am bound for civilian life. As I clean out a gun-metal gray locker in a gun-metal gray room, I take the Federal Aviation manual, the bible of all Air Traffic Controllers, the dog eared, scribbled on, highlighted, and long since memorized 7110.65 and purposefully and happily drop it into a nearby trashcan. I am reminded of all of those beautiful Junes when the beach beckoned and we would trash our notebooks on the last day of school with a sense of freedom and excitement. Of course it’s Caribou, Maine here and while late spring, the black snow banks on the roadsides were towering into the phone lines and unwilling to melt.

As I drive away from the base and glance back at the ATC tower where my dark home of two years sits buried in a drab basement, I have no idea that it is too late for me. The job is IN me. It is a part of me. It is now who I am. I am a tin pusher who talks fast, thinks fast, and speaks a different alphabet. That 7110.65 sits in the trash, but its words and its soul sit deep inside of me.

I had no idea that last day in Maine that a future of missed funerals and missed weddings still awaited me. I hadn’t an inkling that the future would unfold around missed birthdays, missed school plays, missed dinners and missed bedtime stories with children that haven’t even been born yet.

It’s 1985 and I have spent three months studying almost 20 hours per day and night to pass the FAA Academy in Oklahoma City. No television, no relaxing; my pilot husband sits on a Honolulu beach on a piloting assignment, and my best friend is a stack of 3x5 index cards to help me memorize non-radar rules of separating airplanes. The 15 foot snow banks of Maine replaced by the tornados and ice storms of Oklahoma.

Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years all come and go without family or celebration. Actually, I have a new family now---a mismatched group of students all pulling each other through an impossible screening process where we know that 60 % of us will not make it. The FAA Academy instructors even joked about it. “Look to your left and look to your right,” they said. “Of the three of you, two will not make it. If one of those other two people looks smarter than you, don’t unpack your bags.” We laugh together, cry together, and run problems together until the middle of the night. Our families back home are told not to visit because they might distract us.

We tell ourselves it’s OK to neglect them these few months; and all that matters is passing the screen; that we’ll make it up to them later. Forty percent of us passed that screen program in 1985. And not one of us made it up to our families. You see, we went on to our Towers, our TRACONs, and our Centers to a life of shift work, weekends, holidays, and constant stress. Whether a mom or a dad, single, married, or divorced, as government employees dedicated to the public’s safety we sacrificed our families, our friendships, and even our health for the system.

We miss school plays and home runs, Christmas mornings and turkey dinners, anniversaries and graduations. Our children eat their dinners alone and tuck themselves into bed. A staggering portion of controllers end up divorced from civilian spouses who can not tolerate the schedule and the stressed out faces we bring home, and those controllers marry other controllers because who else can understand the trenches and sympathize with the shift work and the war stories of the two that almost hit. Who else can speak the language?

I can not count the Christmas mornings that I watched for a “Santa” tag to playfully cross my scope, the result of a coworker’s holiday spirit, as my children sat home alone in front of a T.V. As any single parent knows, decent day care is not readily available for rotating shifts, nights, weekends and holidays.

It’s 1986 and I have quit! The stress that was Atlanta Center and its four year training program was already eating away at my marriage and my self esteem like an occupational cancer. Another 7110.65 finds its way into a trash can. This time I don’t feel that exhilarating sense of freedom but rather a weight lifted off my shoulders. Relief. Like the most stressful days of my life are now a memory and separating from the FAA is my chemotherapy.

Coming tomorrow....Tin Pusher Part Two

Churching

2006-03-09T19:27:00.000-05:00

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.

Albert Einstein

I went to an interesting event last night. It was church sponsored training about the Anglican church and about the Christian faith. My wife and I are both new to the Episcopalian church so I am trying to learn what I can about it and share what I learn with her. I have never really been a big church goer, for a short time I went to church fairly regularly, sang in the choir, but that lasted at most 6 months.
I think this time around church and I are going to be able to stick together. Our new church feels different, it has a friendly, welcoming vibe that makes it feel more like a home than a place of business.
Being from two different religions never really seemed like that big of an issue when we were dating or even when we first got married. We got married in my wife's church, we went to my wife's church whenever we went to church. It didn't matter to me, that is until we had our daughter.
I became more and more uncomfortable with the idea that I was not able to take communion with my wife and eventually I would not be able to take it with my daughter. That bothered me. It bothered me that I would be excluded from something that I feel is important to share with my family. Not just share with my immediate family but be able to share it with my entire family. It also bothered me that my daughter would be excluded from participating in her faith to the highest extent that she wanted to. It seemed unfair that she would be banned from doing something because she was not a boy.
I thought about converting, becoming a Catholic. I went to a couple of RCIA classes, read a few books, spoke with a few priests. I stopped going to the classes because the feeling of being excluded was not going away. I felt that even if I converted I would never be accepted, never become a full person in the eyes of the Catholic church.
After some discussion we have ended up at the Episcopalian church. Sometimes referred to as "Catholic-lite". It was a compromise between the more liberal, open feel of the Lutheran church and the conservative, closed feel of the Catholic church. The Episcopal church has the same sort of traditions as the Catholic church but lets everyone take communion like the Lutheran church.
I have always viewed religious people, extremely religious people at least, with a great deal of suspicion. To believe in something that strongly, with that much compassion and fervor was scary and very foreign to me. When athletes or famous people thank Jesus or God for their good fortune it always sounds fake and contrived. It seems that some people can take something that is supposed to be beautiful, uplifting and inspirational and change it into something dark, angry and very superficial.
Being a new parent has taken my own interest in religion to a new level. As I begin this journey into religion it dawns on me that not everyone looks favorably at our decision to "churchify" our daughter. Not everyone feels that religion is important, that having some sort of spiritual foundation in life is important. To me, not bringing our daughter to church, not exposing her to that part of humanity would be like depriving her of a small part of what it means to be human. If we do not expose her to the mysteries and the beauty of faith than we have left out a part of life that she may never be able to attain. It is going to take a lot of time for me to develop the feeling of faith, of belief, that I want to have in the Christian faith. I don't want my daughter to have to work that hard for her beliefs. I only hope she is fortunate enough to have faith. Faith in the world, faith in herself and some sort of faith in something larger than herself, larger than the world. If she doesn't want to believe in the same things that I believe in that is fine with me. I just want her to believe in something, I want to ensure that I have given her the tools to decide for herself what feels right to her. She shouldn't feel forced or guilted into believing.
As a parent I hope for the best for my daughter. She should have the things in life that I don't. She will be exposed to things that I haven't, experience things that I never did. My job as her dad is to try and make sure that she has the tools to handle anything that life brings her way. I think that faith in some religion, some sort of higher power, is too important of a tool to leave out.

Another cold

2006-03-03T09:42:00.000-05:00

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.

Ogden Nash

Well I caught a cold, again. Sometime over the last 48 hours someone infected me and now I am struggling to avoid infecting my wife or our daughter. Hopefully, they are more immune than I and can avoid catching it.
I can't really comprehend what it would be like for our daughter to be sick. Even if it's just a cold it is going to be a real struggle to deal with her. Considering our daughter can't talk to let us know what's wrong it must be very frustrating dealing with a sick child. It must be even more difficult to deal with a child who catches something worse than the common cold. Doctors needing to get involved is scary for adults, people who should be able to comprehend the treatment and what the doctor is trying to do. For an infant, all that she would know would be the pain being caused. Obviously, we couldn't explain what was happening to her and seeing her suffer would be a lot for her mother and I to deal with.
I have thought about this before my wife got pregnant, how everyday with a child is a challenge. We are going to have good days and bad days but all in all I hope that being parents is going to be the best thing either of us has ever done. Our daughter's health has been perfect so far, I pray everyday that our good fortune continues.

It begins

2006-03-02T10:48:00.000-05:00

If you would be wealthy, think of saving as well as getting.
Benjamin Franklin

As the season of lent begins I am going to try and give up spending any money on anything that doesn't benefit my family directly. For this season I am going to be a non-consumer, just spending money on necessities and not on anything else. I am curious to see if I can live this way voluntarily before I am forced to live this way by george bush and his band of merry billionaires.
I am actually a little scared by this commitment to give up spending money. I have never really imposed any restrictions on spending money on things. If I want something I usually just go get it. Now I am not talking about Ferraris or Gulfstreams but I usually don't mind spending $25 on a baseball hat. I am curious to see if I can succeed in this quest, it may have a very positive impact on the rest of my life.
Isn't that what religion is supposed to do for us anyway? Bring some positives into our lives? Sometimes it seems that all religious people want to talk about are the sacrifices they make. We should be getting something back from our faith, something positive, empowering and life changing. Maybe, by learning to save rather than spend, I will be able to better prepare my daughter for the post-georgie world that she is going to have to live in.

Happy Time

2006-02-27T12:53:00.000-05:00

Well the south side of chicago
Is the baddest part of town
And if you go down there
You better just beware
Of a man named leroy brown

Now leroy more than trouble
You see he stand ’bout six foot four
All the downtown ladies call him treetop lover
All the mens just call him sir

And it’s bad, bad leroy brown
The baddest man in the whole damn town
Badder than old king kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog

Now leroy he a gambler
And he like his fancy clothes
And he like to wave his diamond rings
In front of everybody’s nose
He got a custom continental
He got an eldorado too
He got a 32 gun in his pocket for fun
He got a razor in his shoe

And it’s bad, bad leroy brown
The baddest man in the whole damn town
Badder than old king kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog

Well friday bout a week ago
Leroy shootin’ dice
And at the edge of the bar
Sat a girl named doris
And ooh that girl looked nice
Well he cast his eyes upon her
And the trouble soon began
And leroy brown learned a lesson
’bout messin’ with the wife of a jealous man

And it’s bad, bad leroy brown
The baddest man in the whole damned town
Badder than old king kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog,

Well the two men took to fightin’
And when they pulled them from the floor
Leroy looked like a jigsaw puzzle
With a couple of pieces gone

And it’s bad, bad leroy brown
The baddest man in the whole damn town
Badder than old king kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog
Bad, Bad Leroy Brown by Jim Croce

My alarm clock went off at 3:45 this morning. It not only woke me up, it woke the baby as well.
She was laughing, smiling and having herself one of the best mornings a baby can have. It makes me wonder how much of the morning blahs are actually just mental.
The smiling, laughing and cooing at 3:45am made my whole day. It really doesn't take very much to alter my day. Just little things can make a day great, by the same token just little things can make my day crap.
This is most likely learned behavior as my daughter seems to be able to be happy no matter the time of day it is. She has no concept that at 3am you're supposed to be tired, she's just tired when she's tired and that is all there is to it. Wouldn't it be simpler if everyone lived that way? Rather than making ourselves go to sleep at "bedtime" we just go to sleep when we're tired whether that time is 6pm or 11pm it really wouldn't matter. The same thing with dinner time, the baby eats when she's hungry, my wife and I try to eat at a certain approved "dinnertime".
We learned these appropriate times from our parents and from the greater society as a whole. Now I know that I have written about society teaching kids in a few past blogs, but this is almost teaching them to ignore their bodies and only obey the clock on the wall.
There is something wrong with telling kids they have to eat when they are not hungry and then getting angry when they don't eat. As infants we accept that they will eat when they are hungry because infants, more or less, can't be trained. Maybe we all would be a little happier if we were never trained to ignore the sensations that our body is made to send us. I am going to try to live that way for a week, only eating when I am hungry and going to sleep when I am tired. Maybe instead of trying and hoping my daughter will learn my timeline, I will try and learn hers.

Snow Go

2006-02-26T11:36:00.000-05:00

The point of philosophy is to start with something so simple as not to seem worth stating, and to end with something so paradoxical that no one will believe it.
Bertrand Russell

Well day one of grandparents in toyland....so far so good. It's snowing pretty good out right now, hard enough that the snowblower and I are going to get a workout once the sun goes down.
My parents have decided they will travel down to my brother's house during the snow storm. They live on long island so they have driven in snow before but I still would have preferred they wait until tomorrow to go traveling around a place they have never been before. Needless to say they got into an accident. It wasn't a bad accident, their rear bumper got dented but nobody, thankfully, was injured.

It never ceases to amaze me how one decision affects so many other things. My parents decide to visit my brother, they get rear-ended. If they stay at my house maybe the car that rear-ended them slides through an intersection and four people die. How does their leaving or staying affect the great plan of the universe? I have no clue. It's just fascinating to me to think of the myriad of things that may of been different if they had left my house 5 minutes later or 5 minutes earlier.
The same can be said about my daughter. How would she be different if she was born four years ago instead of now? Where would we be living, how would we feel about her and how would she feel about us? Is the time that we had her the right time for us or was it too soon? Maybe it was too late...
These questions, of course, have no answer. They are just fun things that I like to think about. Kind of like the whole if a tree falls in the woods does it make a sound question. You can view it your way, I'll view it mine and odds are we are both wrong but maybe we're both also right.

Grandparents on the loose

2006-02-24T16:10:00.000-05:00

When you can think of yesterday without regret and tomorrow without fear, you are near contentment.

Author Unknown

Well my parents, our babies grandparents, are on their way to visit us from the great state of New York. There have been a few delays, some related to health others to the weather, but it appears this weekend will be the one. This visit should be intersting, exciting and tiring. My brother also lives in New Hampshire and they have not seen his home yet so they are going to have to visit with him as well. It is a 5 hour drive from NY to my house, 6 and a half when my parents drive it. They are returning home on Sunday, so they plan on being in my home for probably a total of 20 hours. Seems like a lot of driving for such a short visit...
Last week my sister visited and it through off the babies schedule. I am hopeful that the baby will adjust a little bit better to this visit. Everyday that goes by she gets a little bit more child like and a little less baby like. She is slowly beginning to get into a normal routine, she doesn't eat every two hours anymore, she doesn't sleep all day long anymore, she doesn't soil 8-12 diapres a day anymore. She is beginning to become her own little person, although she of course doesn't talk she can certainly let everyone know what is making her happy and what is making her sad.
My parents have missed out on some of the baby's life, some parts that she won't be reliving. Hopefully, she will only continue to progress and not regress into some of her more baby like behaviors. I guess that I am saddened that my parents haven't been able to make it up here to see her sooner. Thankfully, the internet, digital photos, and DVD's allow them to share in things much more than previous generations.
I wonder if that feels the same to my parents. To receive an email that says "new pictures of Samantha", look at the pictures...does that replace the experience of smelling the baby, hearing her, touching her? Does using one sense ever replace the other four? In my life experience I would have to say that we need to try and use all of our senses to fully experience something but using only one is better than using none.
It's sad to miss out on things, to regret that you are never going to be able to do something. My life has had its' share of regret. Thankfully, missing out on my daughter is not going to be one of them.

School days

2006-02-22T15:03:00.000-05:00

The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children.

King Edward VIII

Did an observation at the middle school today, seventh grade math to be most accurate. One of the students asked me how old I was, she told me that I was old once I answered her question. All the other little girls laughed and so did I.
It got me thinking about how our personal perception of things can be altered, influenced or adjusted by those around us. I have always been intrigued that my version of reality and the guy standing right next to me could be totally different although we are experiencing the same thing.
Our daughter is going to be growing, developing and forming her views based on the information that is presented to her. If we as parents allow her influences to be things we don't understand or know about it we will have no one to blame but ourselves. There are a lot of stories being discussed about myspace.com, teenagers getting into trouble with adults. Of course the adults are to blame, there is no excuse for trying to have sex with a minor. However, where is the outrage, or at least the questioning, directed at the parents of these kids? Why are these kids allowed to spend so munch time alone on the computer? If the parents do not understand what their kids are doing the parents need to stop the behavior until they are comfortable with it.
Some will say that parents need to choose their battles, they can't fight with their kids about everything. I tend to agree. Now it seems that some parents are choosing not to enter any battles, the kids run the show and do whatever they want to do. This I can't understand. Parents need to be the main guiding light in their kids lives, they need to be the ones shaping their kids futures.
If parents shirk this responsibility they have no one to blame but themselves.

Read and react

2006-02-21T19:10:00.000-05:00

As readers of this blog you rarely, if ever, will be asked to do anything except read. Today is a day when I will ask you to read, act and then forward this message to others that you know. If you would be willing to help my family I would be very appreciative.

As you know all too well, NATCA and the FAA have been engaged in contract negotiations since last summer. At the table, these talks have been going very well, with agreements being reached much faster than in previous years. But unfortunately, it’s now clearer than ever that the FAA management is intent on driving these negotiations to impasse as soon as is it can reasonably possible – perhaps as soon as the next few weeks.

Their goal is to exploit the law to unilaterally impose a draconian set of work rules on NATCA’s members, gutting the principles of fair collective bargaining, forcing our air traffic controllers to accept pay cuts and then a pay freeze. I don’t have to tell you the negative effects this could have on our aviation system and morale.

Fortunately, thanks to the leadership of a group of Senators, Congresswomen and Congressmen, NATCA has secured the introduction of two bills that would restore fairness and accountability to the negotiating process. The bi-partisan “FAA Fair Labor Management Dispute Resolution Act of 2006” will ensure the FAA gets back to the negotiating table in earnest by providing for binding arbitration instead of FAA imposition.

This is where you come in. We need your help to make sure your Senators sign on to this important bill as soon as possible. That’s why we’re asking you, your friends and family, your email contacts, and anybody you can call to call 1-877 FAIR FAA today. The toll free number will put you directly in contact with your Senator’s office and when that happens you should:

Give your name and tell them you are a registered voter in your state; Tell them you are concerned about the FAA’s actions and want to ensure fairness for America’s air traffic controllers; Tell them you want them to support the Obama Bill, Senate 2201

Please, ask your friends, family and neighbors to call this number today. It’s vital we send a strong message to Congress that we won’t stand for an FAA agenda that will harm the integrity of the National Airspace System.

You can also learn more about this issue from NATCA’s new website: www.fairFAA.com.

President's Day

2006-02-20T15:02:00.000-05:00

Government is not reason, it is not eloquence, it is force; like fire, a troublesome servant and a fearful master. Never for a moment should it be left to irresponsible action.
George Washington

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
Abraham Lincoln

Today is the day that we honor the presidents, Lincoln and Washington. It used to be that we had two separate holidays to honor these great past leaders of our country. Thinking and reflecting about the tasks these men faced, the adversaries they overcame and the strength they displayed in the face of crushing defeats really makes me amazed at the current state of affairs in D.C.
Not to get too political but this current administration really scares me and the path it is pushing America down frightens me because it really is my kids who are going to have to clean up the mess. The Iraq war is most likely not going to end in my lifetime. Terrorists are possibly planning an attack on Los Angeles, New York or Atlanta as I type this. China is amassing men, military might, nuclear weapons, financial capital and political influence at an alarming rate.
granted I am not in the know in the political circles but from my perspective none of these issues are being dealt with. This administration started the war in Iraq with no plan on how to end it. The probable end is we are going to leave, the country will descend into civil war while we look the other way. The terrorists will strike at us again. It's just a question of where, when and what they use this time. If current funding streams continue to dry up there is going to be less and less money to fight the "global war on terror" because eventually the administration, not this administration, is going to have to invest some funds into the crumbling America that bush/cheney has managed to create.
How much is New Orleans and the rest of the gulf coast going to cost to repair? Does this administration even care? If they do, where are they with the money, the support to get New Orleans alive again? When it was election time they sure got the Florida electorate back on it's feet again in a hurry. Oh right, that wasn't because of the election it was because the next king bush rules Florida. I forgot.
I could continue this rant about political issues but I won't...I just got done eating lunch and it makes my stomach hurt.
All I hope for out of my political leaders is that they try to do what is best for this country. That they try to do what is best for my family and that they try to do what's best for my daughter's future.
This administration has failed me and you, quite miserably, on all three.

Ski day

2006-02-19T06:20:00.000-05:00

If you treat people right they will treat you right - ninety percent of the time.

Franklin D. Roosevelt (1882 - 1945)

My wife, sister and my sister's boyfriend all went skiing today. My baby and I stayed warm and dry drinking cocoa in the lodge. I don't mind being muddy, dirty, sweaty, wet, or hot when I perform athletic type activities. I really don't like being cold, sweaty, and wet though. I have tried the winter sports, I still like to play hockey, but the rest of them just don't agree with me. If it's cold outside than I don't want to be out there, that is the simple truth.
Once the spring time comes and I can go out and ride my bike or take a walk with the dog or ride my dirtbike then I will be the one outside doing rather than inside watching. Plus by staying in I get to do a lot of my school work...not. It's President's Day weekend one of the busiest weekends for skiing in New England as winter vacation is starting for a lot of school aged kids. Busy is a bit of an understatement for the conditions today,the lodge was a mob scene, every seat they had was in use and the moment someone got up from a seat seven people swarmed to it hoping to sit and eat their hamburger and fries. My wife had the baby in her car seat, a diaper bag and was dressed in her skiing clothes. She really couldn't be battling with people for seats because she was not as mobile as most of the other people there. After two laps around the downstairs and one lap around the second level she decided to wait for me near the entrance so we could go home. Thankfully, a very nice lady, Debbie from New Jersey, had a different idea in mind. This woman had an extra seat at her table and she made sure my wife got to sit in it with the baby. She got my wife's attention, not an easy task considering that my wife was on the first floor by the exits and Mrs. New Jersey was on the second floor. There was no yelling over the crowd noise and everything that transpired between them was done with eye contact and hand gestures. This was occurring while I was carrying my wife's ski equipment back from the truck that was parked 2 miles away.
Sometimes people don't realize that their seemingly small gestures will have an enormous impact on other peoples lives. If this woman from New Jersey had not let my wife sit with her we would of left the mountain and gone home, thereby ruining everyone's day. It was no big deal, that is what Mrs. New Jersey kept telling us. Actually,, it was one of the nicest things I can recall someone else doing for us since we left North Carolina. I would like to think that if I was in the same situation that I would act like Debbie from New Jersey. I would like to think that most people would act like Debbie from New Jersey. The truth is that most everyone else would not act like Debbie from New Jersey and you can think that is cynical but if you are honest you know it is the truth. That is a sad thing to write and an even sadder way to live. Hopefully, my daughter will be more like Debbie from New jersey if she is ever in the situation to help someone else. Hopefully, my wife and I can help her become that way.

Freezer

2006-02-18T06:20:00.000-05:00

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.
Leo J. Burke

The baby slept in her own room for the first time today. Granted it was only for 6 minutes but she was in there, alone, just the same. We have been having alot of difficulties getting her to sleep on a regular basis so my wife is getting ready to try to follow a sleep schedule with the baby. It is going to be interesting to see how that works out.
Getting our baby to try and sleep on a schedule is really going to take a lot of commitment from both my wife and I. The baby seems to sleep whenever she feels like it now, but the book says that we need to get her into a routine. I am not too sure we need to mess with a good thing. Our daughter just turned ten weeks old, she sleeps a lot, maybe not on a regular schedule but it seems that most days she gets enough sleep.
It seems that as new parents we are falling into the 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing" trap occasionally. Of course, there really is no fault with that because no one is ever giving us anymore than a little knowledge. As new parents you feel your way through a lot of things. You try things, if they work great, if not then you try something else. Babies will eventually sleep through the night, all people eventually sleep through the night.
It's going to be like everything else, it will happen when the baby decides it's time. Hopefully, her parents can make it until then.

Powerless

2006-02-17T06:19:00.000-05:00

Faith is like electricity. You can't see it, but you can see the light.

Author Unknown

Some strange, strange happenings in the world of weather around these parts this winter. Today the temperature began in the mid 40's and at night fall was hovering around 15. The rapid drop was brought by a shifting front and the front had 60 knot winds associated with it. 60 knot winds and tall trees near powerlines is a pretty bad combination. By 2pm our house had lost power and it seemed for a while that we would not get it back for a day or two.
Thankfully, that was not the outcome as the power company was able to restore power to our neighborhood by 6pm. As I am sure you can probably tell, we do not have a generator in case we lose electricity for a long period of time. We have a small, portable generator that can power the house but it is quite noisy, needs gasoline to run and requires some set-up. Most of our neighbors have automatic generator that click on when their house loses power, they can power the house indefinitely, or at least until they run out of propane.
Never have I thought about this before, it was never an issue, if the house lost power my wife and I could just pick up and move to a hotel or we could have a fun night in the house with candles and blankets. With the baby, I always worry that if we lose power, and with it heat, something bad is going to happen. Traveling, or just going out of the house, is a huge process now. We need to remember all of the things that the baby needs, get the baby ready to go out, pack up the truck and then we can leave. Without power, heat, and lights gathering all that stuff is going to be a lot more challenging.
Our family is going to look into getting an automatic generator in our next house so I can cross this worry off my list.

Thoughts

2006-02-16T06:18:00.000-05:00

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
George Carlin

Another Thursday which means another work week begins. Although this is going to be a shorter workweek as I am taking off Saturday, it is still time away from my daughter. Lately, things have been going along fairly slowly, or at least it seems that way to me. The overall excitement of becoming new parents is slowly starting to fade, our daughter is slowly becoming more a part of our daily routine. Actually, she is redefining our daily routine and in my wife's case she is becoming the daily routine.
Something that most child care books and most other parents won't tell you is how having a baby affects the couple with the new baby. My wife and I are beginning to experience how being parents is going to change our lives. Slowly, we are adapting and changing to fill these new roles. It is hard for me to put my finger on each and every change, most of them are subtle, but I can still feel that the changes are happening.
Perhaps there is a built in "honeymoon" period for new parents. The baby lets you get used to just being parents before everything begins to change. I wish I could state exactly what is different but I can't. My wife is now a mom and I am now a dad. However, it's much more complicated then that. Sometimes I wonder if my wife is ever going to get to sleep again, the real sleep that we both used to get where nothing would wake us up except a fire alarm. Now when I lean over to kiss her goodbye in the morning, the slight touch on her cheek wakes her up. Not only is she awake but she is able to have a conversation. When my wife and I were dating she rarely wanted to talk in the morning and never before her first cigarette and cup of coffee.
Her lack of sleep puts me in an uncomfortable position. After week one, I have been able to resume my normal sleeping patterns. The baby very rarely disturbs me while I am asleep, sometimes first thing in the morning but never at 3am. This is a good thing for me but a bad thing for my wife and on some levels she resents me for that. My wife would never say it, she would never act like it either, but it's just a normal reaction. "Every damn night I get up with the baby while he just sleeps right through it" is most likely a normal though in my wife's head.
I hope the baby starts sleeping through the night soon. It scares me to think what other thoughts I am going to be able to give my wife in the not too distant future.

Dentist

2006-02-15T09:54:00.000-05:00

If you can't bite, don't show your teeth.

Yiddish Proverb

Once in the last five years. That's how many times I have been to the dentist. Pretty scary..both going and not going to the dentist. In reality average people know very little about the inner workings of our bodies. Most people can tell you more about how to work a computer than they can tell you about how their circulatory system functions. I am pretty much the same way, especially with regards to my teeth.
If they hurt, I don't really worry about it. I just don't eat ice cream on the side that hurts. Nothing is as uncomfortable as having someone drilling on your tooth, and that sound it makes...very much unacceptable. Also the "pain killer" that they use? Novacaine hurts when they inject it, takes 20 minutes to kick in (by which time the dentist is totally done with the drilling) and your mouth is numb and weird feeling for the rest of the day. I say no thank you to the whole ball of wax. If I don't go to the dentist then I'll never have a root canal, right?
As faithful readers of this blog will recall I went to the doctor two weeks ago for a physical. The doctor asked me about the dentist, not an unheard of question but a strange one just the same. As I tried to explain to him why I don't like to go to the dentist he informed me that gum disease and heart disease have been shown to be linked and the only way to see if you have gum disease is to go to the dentist.
Now that I have a wife and a daughter my mortality and fears of my own demise have become more commonplace. I have been assured that this is more or less a common fear among new parents which makes sense. Now that here is this tiny creature that is totally dependent on you, you feel obligated to take care of yourself. My wife and I quit smoking, we're starting to watch what we eat, we take vitamins and we try to get regular exercise.
With my doctor's prodding I made an appointment with a dentist and surprisingly didn't have to wait six months to see him. It was only a two day wait, not really long enough to get stressed or concerned about it. Everything went pretty well at the dentist actually, the x-rays are done differently than I remember, the chairs are still very uncomfortable but the office was relaxing and the staff was friendly.
Bottom line, four cavities all small, no gum disease but my teeth need a good cleaning. I guess five years is just about the right amount of time between dental visits.

Valentine's Day

2006-02-14T15:33:00.000-05:00

That best portion of a good man's life,
His little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love.
William Wordsworth

Valentine's day has always been one of those holidays that is kind of strange to me. Why do we need a certain specific day to tell people that we love them? Isn't the goal, the whole point actually, of being in love being able to tell the other person how we feel? If we are uncomfortable doing it on a daily basis what does it really say about us that we feel comfortable saying it only once a year?
My wife knows how I feel about her,I think, not just through my words but also through my actions. The amount that I love her shows through each and every day. Be it because I fill the bird feeders so she can watch the birds or buy her a tennis bracelet the effect is the same. She knows that I care about her, I miss her when we are apart and I will do anything to make sure that she is happy.
My daughter doesn't know what the words "I Love you" even mean. She would be incapable of waiting for one day a year to be shown love. Thankfully, she has love and kindness shown to her every day by her mom and me. The way we care for our child, play with her, talk to her lets her know that she is loved.
One day a year is okay for a birthday party or the fourth of July. It is 364 days too few for showing and telling the people we love how we feel.

Vaccination

2006-02-13T23:27:00.000-05:00

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love.
Sophocles

We took our daughter in for her first round of vaccinations today. We asked the doctor about 21 questions, Pretty routine stuff, all straight forward first time parent type questions. He spent a lot of time, for a doctor at least, explaining what all the different things mean, how they affect our daughter and what we should do in response to them. The doctor was even able to make my wife relax a little bit about calling their office after hours.
We have decided to break up the shots that the baby gets, they would prefer that she get three shots at each office visit. We are going with the one shot a week philosophy and after our daughter got her first shot I am very thankful that someone gave us that bit of advice. The pain from the shot must of been fairly serious, it really made our daughter cry. It hurt her so much that my wife started to cry too!!
The funny thing about dealing with other people, especially medical people, is that the always assume things. We show up for this appointment and the nurse asks if we have given our daughter some motrin or tylenol to deal with the pain. We don't own motrin or tylenol, have never been advised that sometimes it's a good idea for kids to take pain medication before something hurts them or what the proper dosage of pain killer for an infant is. It seems kind of irrational to give someone, especially someone who has never had a shot before so we have no idea how she will react to the pain, medicine just in case. We have another appointment in two months, I will be calling the day before to find out if there is anything we should do before we bring our daughter in for that appointment.

Snowed under

2006-02-12T10:41:00.000-05:00

Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Well the weather man was right...I guess. We had a Nor'Easter roll through New England today, Boston airport, 90% of the flights cancelled, nothing to do at work but watch the snowflakes fall. Time to ponder life and all that is going on around me, how things that are affecting me have no impact on most everyone else. Sometimes I reflect on the things that are affecting me that also affect everyone else. Sometimes I think about people who are just making ends meet, struggling to pay their bills, unable to spend anything extra or they won't have heat. "There but for the grace of God go I" is a thought that goes through my mind a lot when I think about these thoughts. I also think about the other extreme, the wasteful ways that people live, some have so much more than they ever need, they waste a lot because they have a lot to replace it.
I guess my family falls somewhere in the middle on the scale. We, thankfully, have enough money to pay our bills and spend some on extras (think dirtbikes). We do not have enough money to waste, at least waste in the way that I meant it in the first paragraph. I suppose we all waste things, I don't reuse plastic spoons for example and we use disposable diapers on our daughter which are very wasteful. But I digress, these thoughts or moments of clarity make me worry about what the future is going to hold for my child.
Is America going to provide the opportunities that were available to me to our daughter? How is China going to impact my daughter's ability to earn a living? What kind of jobs are there going to be for her? What are her interests going to be? Is he upcoming retirement boom going to move a lot of tax money away from the schools and towards services for the elderly? Ten years from now are we going to look back on the things George Bush jr, is doing and realize that his presidency was the beginning of the end of the America we knew? How are the issues we are dealing with radical Muslims, terrorists, homicide bombers, going to affect the world that my daughter is growing into. Some of these thoughts are scary, some are happy and some are just weird. They are my thoughts, unfortunately most of them do not have answers at this point. I have my own guesses about how these things will work out, hopefully I am wrong because most of my scenarios do not have happy endings.
These are the things that I think about when there are no airplanes to distract my attention. I am hopeful that the airport is open tomorrow.

Motivation

2006-02-11T21:04:00.000-05:00

Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.

Abraham Lincoln

Working and being a dad and going to college and trying to stay in shape (or I should say trying to get into shape) is beginning to wear me down. I know that I should be excited, I should look forward to each new day with a fresh sense of enthusiasm but I am too tired to do that. I am unmotivated in school, very unmotivated at work and extremely reluctant to get into shape. I went back to school because our daughter was on the way and I was a little uncomfortable not having a degree. Now that she is here I don't want to miss out on a moment that I could be with her. School feels optional, it's not required like going to work is. It seems wasteful for me to be spending time away from my own daughter learning how to teach other peoples children. The only thing I want to do is be with my wife and daughter. It really is strange that although my daughter can't talk, sleeps a lot and can't move around she is the most interesting thing in the world to me right now.
I look forward to the times that she is awake, to the times when I get to hold her or just watch her watch everything else. I know in the long run that getting my teaching degree will allow me more time with my daughter, the schedule is much more kid friendly than air traffic control is. I know that if I can put off temporary enjoyment for long term goals my overall life will probably be better. That sure doesn't make it easy for me to pack up my books and head off to college though. Looking back it sure would of been smart for me to have finished this degree before we had our daughter. It seems pointless to talk about it now but I wasted a lot of time, time that would of been better spent improving myself and my educaional situation.
Everything happens at it's own pace, there's no going back and there's no use crying over spilt milk...none of these platitudes really are doing the job. I hope in the end that it's a worthwhile sacrifice and I don't miss out on too much.

Weather or not

2006-02-10T09:42:00.000-05:00

If you don't like the weather in New England, just wait a few minutes.
Mark Twain

A snowstorm is forecast for my area tomorrow night and into Sunday. The kind of snowstorm they refer to as a Nor'easter, that means really bad to all you non-New Englanders. Personally, I think that forecasters should get the weather right most of the time now that they have the aid of computers and satellites. Sadly, they are still wrong and they are wrong way too much. Because of this forecast my mom and dad and brother and sister have decided to skip their visit for this weekend. I agree with the decision based on the available facts but it is going to be very frustrating if the weatherman is wrong again.
Parents don't get the luxury of help from satellites or computer modeling when they make "forecasts" for their kids, They also really don't get to be wrong because if they are adverse outcomes can occur in their child's life. It is one thing for my parents to have to come a different week, it's another for my daughter to think she can't be good at something because her parents told her she can't do it. There are going to be other "forecasters" in my daughters life as well. Teachers, friends, relatives and coaches all can tell my daughter that she can't do things. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, I just don't think everyone is entitled to share them with children.
I guess everyone has goals, dreams and ambitions that they didn't achieve in their lives. Things that are still undone and we hope to get to someday. Everyone has these feelings so I am sure my daughter will as well. I guess my goal is to try and make sure that my daughter has the opportunity to do what she wants to do and not let any of the "forecasters" in her life keep her away from her dreams.

Pros and Cons

2006-02-09T09:24:00.000-05:00

The great thing in the world is not so much where we stand as
in what direction we are moving.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

Everyone has done it. Whether you actually write them down or just do it in your head you've made pro and con lists for most every major decision in your life, right? Well I know that I do it, usually in my head but sometimes I have done it on paper. Whenever I do the list on paper it always seems that the negatives outweigh the positives. If I do the list in my head it is usually 50-50 which way it will go. As I sit here writing this blog my mind is racing with the thoughts of moving to another part of the country. Specifically, moving my wife, daughter and I to Atlanta in the great state of Georgia.
I guess some things need to be clarified, first of all I really am not too sure that Georgia is all that great of a state. I have never lived there, only driven through on my way to Florida. Second, my real goal is to get my family back to the Carolinas (either one, I'm not too picky) but Georgia is a lot closer to that goal than New Hampshire is. Basically, I want my daughter to grow up in the South if at all possible. New England is okay, if you like feeling like an outsider and the cold and snow don't bother you too much. The South just always felt more like home to both my wife and I, we moved to New England in the first place because it really was our only option at the time.
All of this background information is leading to this point, if not now when? People will tell you that moving with an infant is too hard, wait until the kids are a little older. Then the kids are in the terrible twos and you can't risk upsetting them so you can't move now. Then the kids are in school and have started to make their own lives so you have to wait until the kids are out of school before you move. Before you know it 18 years have passed and we are still in New Hampshire because we listened to everyone tell us how hard it was going to be to move with kids! I fully grasp that my child is going to be in charge of my social network, my free time and my home life for the next 15-25 years. I came to grips with that issue before she was born. One thing that I am having a problem with is giving control for everything over to the baby. We are still the parents, we still need to analyze and decide what is best for all of us in the family unit. Sometimes people want their kids to make the decisions in life that are hard. If the kids make the decision than no one can be mad with the parents over the results. I am not ready to let our 8 week old daughter take the blame for us being frozen with fear about moving.
Is it scary to move to a new place where you have no friends, no family, no history? Of course it is scary, it was scary when we moved to New Hampshire, it still is scary sometimes to be in New Hampshire. Is Atlanta the answer to all my dreams, prayers, hopes, and ambitions? I don't know but I can tell you that I know New Hampshire is not the answer. Is the devil that you know better than the devil that you don't? Probably. Can't you find someplace in New Hampshire that will make you happier but not involve changing everything? No, not from what I have seen. What is the main benefit to Atlanta? Cost of living, better opportunities for my daughter, more agreeable climate. What is the main benefit to New Hampshire? Status quo, no change is good change. How does my wife feel about this? Undecided.
We can pretty much make ourselves crazy with questions...questions that can't be answered until you experience the things you are weighing against one another. In order to experience them you must be willing to try them, hence my dilemma. It's kind of like being told that you don't have enough experience for a job but the only way to get experience is by getting the job.
Does anyone really know what the future holds? Is living in fear of change the best way to live? Is change just for the sake of change a positive or a negative?
I, for one, would rather shape my future to my personal needs and desires rather than let the future just happen.

Everyone will pay in the end

2006-02-08T09:27:00.000-05:00

The character inherent in the American people has done all that has been accomplished; and it would have done somewhat more, if the government had not sometimes got in its way.

Henry David Thoreau

As we travel further and further down this path into parenthood, the information that is presented to help us along the way gets more and more scarce. When my wife was pregnant there were literally thousands of places to get information about the changes her body was going through, what to expect next, how she should be feeling if everything was normal and what she may feel if things weren't right. Once the baby is born there are thousands of more books that are geared to get you up and running as a new parent. The main book that isn't out there, perhaps because a book can't cover it all, is how a new parent can tell if their baby is happy, healthy, and growing like she should be.
Our daughter has developed this new habit over the last two-three days of 'spitting-up' a whole heck of a lot of milk after she eats. The amount coming out looks like it's roughly twice as much as went it. She has occasionally 'spit-up' a little bit, actually this was fairly normal after every feeding but the amount now is far from spitting up and more like full vomit. Her bowels have also become more liquid like over these past three days. Not that her bowels have ever been all that solid, after all the only thing she eats is liquid, but these last few days have really been quite different.
Of course there really is not anyone to call and pose these questions to. We called her doctor who says that it is normal and that we should take her temperature, rectally, just to make sure. Taking a rectal temperature, now I am just speaking for my wife and I now, is not something that we do on a regular basis. I do not know how to do it, I certainly could try to figure it out but how far do you insert it? Why can't I take it via the ear or the forehead or the armpit? Anyplace that doesn't require me to insert things into my daughter where things are not supposed to be inserted. This idea seems pre-historic to me. Almost like when the used to amputate limbs and use leeches to stave off infections. The medical community, in all honesty, can't come up with something better than this?
As it turns out our daughter appears to be feeling better and she has a doctor's appointment on Monday. My wife has about 67 questions for the doctor and she isn't going to leave until each of them is answered to her satisfaction. The people with appointments after my daughter's are all going to be a little bit late and that is the price that society pays for not equipping new parents with any kind of an owners manual or instruction sheet for new parents.

In the public's eye

2006-02-07T17:07:00.000-05:00

Never discourage anyone...who continually makes progress, no matter how slow.
Plato

We took our daughter into the real world today. Out of the little cocoon we have kept her in since she was born and out into the scary, dirty world we all share. I guess she has been out before, she's been to church twice, the doctor's office and to the supermarket. This was the first time that we have taken her out to eat as a family. The first time we ever got to say "Three" when the hostess asked us how many. The first time we tried to figure out what to do with her while my wife and I tried to eat.
Our plan was actually a pretty good one. We would go out after the lunch crowd was mostly gone so that we could have the restaurant to ourselves. The other part of the plan was to make sure that the baby had eaten before we got there. Our daughter needs to be full or else she wants to eat every thirty minutes.She was asleep at the Olive Garden for most of our lunch. She did wake up for about 10 minutes, just long enough to go to the bathroom. We usually take turns changing the babies diaper, this was my turn. Trying to figure out the best way to avoid touching anything in a public restroom when I go in by myself is enough of a challenge. Trying to change a baby in a public restroom without touching anything is impossible. There is the baby seat, the baby, the diaper bag, the wipes and the new diaper that all need to be placed somewhere in the restroom. Most likely the places they end up is someplace that someone else has urinated, sneezed, pooped or boogered on within the last 48 hours. Next time my daughter needs a diaper change and we are out, it is going to be done in the backseat of our truck.
My wife is a big fan of going out to eat, personally I can take it or leave it. Although I intend to expose our daughter to as many things as time and finances will allow there are going to be times that my own personal beliefs are going to get in the way. Hopefully, I am going to be able to put aside my own fears, prejudices, and dislikes long enough to let my daughter discover everything the world has to offer.

Savoring the flavor

2006-02-06T06:19:00.000-05:00

The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin' Groovy) (1:42)
P. Simon, 1966
Released on Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme

Slow down, you move too fast
You got to make the morning last
Just kicking down the cobblestones
Looking for fun and feeling groovy
Ba da da da da da da, feeling groovy

Hello lamppost, what'cha knowing
I've come to watch your flowers growin'
Ain't cha got no rhymes for me?
Doo-it in doo doo, feeling groovy
Ba da da da da da da, feeling groovy

I got no deeds to do
No promises to keep
I'm dappled and drowsy and ready to sleep
Let the morning time drop all its petals on me
Life I love you, all is groovy

On February 5, 2006 the Pittsburgh Steelers won Super Bowl XL.
It seems so odd to write that in the past tense, it was only a moment or two ago that I was enthralled with watching the Steelers, hoping they wouldn't blow a golden opportunity to beat the Seahawks and bring some happiness to Pittsburgh.
That's kind of how this past few week have gone for us. It feels like everything is happening so quickly, too much happening at once and not enough time to stop and look around. As Ferris Bueller said "Life happens fast and if we don't stop and look around once in a while we may miss it."
I think a lot of people fall into this trap, there is always tomorrow to read to our kids, always tomorrow to be more than just someone our kinds see for 25 minutes a day. I understand that everyone needs to work but when I think about how fast things have gone all ready, how much I have missed, and our daughter is only 8 weeks old it scares me to think how much I'll miss by the time she's one.
With the passage of time we human beings to comprehend that everything, including hurt, anger, fears, happiness, joy, passes. As I look at my daughter I think about all the wasted time in my life. Time spent watching TV or stressing out about who knows what, something I forgot about a long time ago. The time we waste, we can't recover, we don't get it back. That is scary and it is something that I am working on to fix in my life. I owe my time to my daughter and my wife, not to TV, stress or work.
I am going to enjoy the Steelers victory for a good long time. I intend to enjoy my daughter for a lot longer.

Super or not?

2006-02-05T13:30:00.000-05:00

"I'm not making any predictions, I'm just saying what we're doing."
Dan Rooney

Today is the day, the pinnacle of the football fans existance. The Super Bowl is about to begin and my stomach is bothering me, my palms are clammy and my throat is dry. I feel all these nerves and all I am doing is watching from my couch. I am amazed that the players can feel these same feelings and go out and do their jobs. They are getting ready to compete under such stressful situations, knowing that any mistake they make is going to magnified, replayed and examined over and over and over again for the rest of this month.
I guess that is sort of the way I feel when people ask how being a new dad is going. We read all the books, watched a few videos, talked to some other parents but now my wife and I are on the big stage. Maybe not as big a stage as the Super Bowl, but for my wife and I it is the biggest stage we have ever performed on. The future beliefs, fears, feelings and opinions of our daughter are going to be based on how we perform on the stage around her.
The main difference between the Super Bowl and us is that the Steelers and Seahawks are only doing it for 60 minutes, my wife and I are doing it for the rest of our lives.

Higher power

2006-02-04T13:29:00.000-05:00

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Voltaire

My wife and were raised in different religions. I was raised Lutheran, she was raised Catholic. This really was not that big of a deal when we got married, we were married in a Catholic church. We really never gave religion much consideration until we had our daughter.
I am uncomfortable that the Catholics do not allow women to become priests. The history and beliefs aren't really open for debate, especially not by someone with the theological background that I possess. It just doesn't seem right that my daughter is excluded from something just because she has no penis. I understand that this is many years from now but I have a real issue with anyone telling my daughter that she is not allowed to do something. That she is not as good as a boy just doesn't work for me. Especially coming from a place where we are taught that God and Jesus share their love, joy and beauty in the world with everyone equally.
We are going to raise our daughter Episcopalian, at least we are baptizing her Episcopalian. Religion is something that we want our daughter to be exposed to, we go as a family and I wanted to be able to take communion with my wife, the Catholics aren't going to let me do that. The Episcopalians allow everyone to take communion just like the Lutherans do. I felt uncomfortable asking my wife to convert to my religion, I wanted to find something that made us both comfortable. I think that the Episcopalians allow my family the opportunity to grow into our faith and to grow together as a family.
After we came to a decision on what religion to baptize we needed to focus on who would be our babies godparents. The nice thing about the Episcopalian faith is that the Godparents can both be women or both be men or have two women and a man or two men and a woman. My family is fairly large, I have two brothers and four sisters so one of the godparents is going to come from them. My wife has one sister so her decision is a little bit harder.
We have decided that my sister and my wife's best friend are going to be the Godparents for our daughter. As with anything there are going to be some people who are hurt that they were not asked and others happy that they weren't. Godparents are a nice tradition but I am not too sure they serve all that much of a purpose. It is almost like a ceremonial title. I have never heard of anyone's Godparents taking over the child's religious education if the parents decide that Church is no longer going to be a part of their children's lives. Hopefully, we won't put the people we chose in this uncomfortable position.
I have high hopes for my daughter, high expectations and she deserves to be exposed to a higher power. Maybe I'm just too sensitive, the Catholics have been around a long time before I got here and they'll be around for a long time after I croak..
I'll try not too talk too much about religion, politics or whatever that third thing is you're not supposed to talk about in this blog. But today it was talked about and it was something that I wanted to share, talk about and sort through my feelings.

Selfishness

2006-02-03T13:29:00.000-05:00

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
Oscar Wilde

If you have read any of my previous blogs then you have seen me write about selfishness, or lack of it, several times. Well today I did something that many, myself included, would consider selfish. I bought a dirtbike.
It's not really the money (although that is a part of it), it's also not really about the time (another part of it), it's more about the money and the time being spent on a solitary activity. That is what is selfish about this act. There are no baby seats on motorcycles. No sidecars in the woods. Unless my wife gets a dirtbike (not likely) she will stay home with the baby while I go off and have fun.
I am not opposed to having fun. Everyone should do it. I am opposed to leaving someone at home while someone else goes out and has themselves a big time.
My wife understands that getting this bike is something I've always wanted and that just having it makes me happier. I am sure that she isn't thrilled that it is going to take some of our time away.
I guess that although I am trying to give as much of myself to my family as I can, I still have some of that selfish little boy in me that wants things, just wants them. Hopefully, that little boy begins to realize that wanting and having are two separate things. This dirtbike is going to have to satisfy my selfish little boy for a good long time....

Oh Doctor, Doctor, can't you see I'm callin'

2006-02-02T13:29:00.000-05:00

The healthy, the strong individual, is the one who asks for help when he needs it. Whether he has an abscess on his knee or in his soul.

Rona Barrett

Today was the day of my yearly physical. My one time a year that I allow myself to be jerked around by someone in the medical profession. Wait out here , ok now wait in here , ok now wait over there, ok now take off all your clothes and wait in here. Let me ask you some questions that I have asked you before but for whatever reason never write down, good. Now let me listen to your chest, heartbeat? good. Now let me hit you with this little mallet, leg moved? good. Now let me move your, well never mind you get the idea. I understand the importance of going to the doctor, that's why I went in the first place but it's just frustrating. I only wanted to get a simple blood check, make sure my PSA's, FBI's, HDl's, Ldl's and whatever other acronyms are all in the right order. My doctor doesn't let you just go get the blood test done, he wants to see me first.
Overall, I am a healthy person. I am fortunate in that regard. I also understand that as a person ages maintaining good health becomes harder. My daughter is going to need me to stick around a few more years, hopefully a few more decades.
I have discovered a newfound strength from my daughter. If I am beginning to get aggravated I can remind myself that I am doing this for her. It seems to be working, at least it seems to be working for now.
The needs of my daughter are starting to come before my own selfish needs. Slowly the boy evolves into the man, and the father, he was supposed to be.

Feeding the beast

2006-02-01T11:06:00.000-05:00

It is a pleasant thing to reflect upon, and furnishes a complete answer to those who contend for the gradual degeneration of the human species, that every baby born into the world is a finer one than the last.
Charles Dickens

Well last night was about all my wife could take. She has been a real, real strong person dealing with our daughter. Lack of sleep, pain from breast-feeding, total upheaval of her life, but this morning she had enough. This morning, I was in charge of taking care of the baby and no amount of pouting or complaining was going to get me off the hook.
I gave our baby her first bottle today. I have to admit that I have mixed feelings about the whole process. First of all, the baby looked totally confused by the idea that she was able to get milk from me and not my wife. Of course that's what I infer she was thinking, babies can't really comprehend such things can they? What if they can comprehend such things? Perhaps they know a lot more about what's happening around them than they get credit for...Probably not.
Anyway, I guess that getting milk from a breast and getting milk from a bottle are not the same thing. Our baby is now an expert at getting her fill from my wife, she is a rank amateur at getting any milk from a bottle. She just can't swallow all the milk fast enough and it spills out of her mouth and down her shirt and makes a big mess.
This process did not allow me the bonding that I had anticipated. It really did not allow either of us much of anything but frustration. From my daughter's point of view there is lot of reasons to cry over spilt milk. I guess that eating out of a bottle is going to be a learning process for my daughter and for her parents. Time will pass, more bottles will be offered, and less and less milk will get spilled over time.
In time my daughter will begin to understand that mom and dad care for her in different ways. Sometimes Dad's way is more messy, more frustrating, and dirtier but he's still trying to do the best that he can for his baby.

Leaping to new heights

2006-01-31T11:07:00.000-05:00

All things must change to something new, to something strange.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Well that certainly didn't last too long. As you may recall in yesterday's post I was excited that our daughter was beginning to sleep through the night. Last night Samantha reminded us not to look too deeply into each day and try to project it onto the next day. Last night she was awake almost every hour to eat, she was awake constantly and I would be surprised if any of us got more than a total of three hours of sleep. Babies are like that I guess...they control everything and my wife and I really are just along for the ride.
When our baby was still in the hospital they gave her the first bath, they also gave her a second bath while she was in the hospital. Samantha hated having to take a bath, she screamed from the minute it started until the time it was done. Once we got her home it was pretty much the same reaction to bathtime. Nothing we did made the bath more pleasant for her, the water could be hotter, no relief, colder water didn't help either. It just seemed that our daughter was going to be a bath hater and every bath time was going to be a battle. During the seven weeks and probably 20 baths our daughter has slowly begun to not hate the bath so much. Recently, probably over the last two weeks, baby bath time has actually started to become one of the more enjoyable experiences of our day. Our daughter laughs and smiles during bath time and now seems like she really enjoys it.
My dad once told me that you should strive to learn something new everyday. If you haven't learned something then you missed an opportunity. What I hope that I learned from the bath experience is that my daughter is setting her own schedule, learning what she likes and doesn't like as she progresses through her life. Our daughter is learning a lot more than one new thing a day, she is probably learning something new every five minutes. Things that she doesn't like are very capable of changing, at being altered as she gains more insight into the world that we all are a part of. As my wife and I are the biggest influence on her now, I hope that I have learned enough in my life to help my daughter as she begins her life.

Sleepless no more

2006-01-30T15:22:00.000-05:00

The reproduction of mankind is a great marvel and mystery. Had God consulted me in the matter, I should have advised him to continue the generation of the species by fashioning them out of clay.
Martin Luther

Babies do not sleep. That is the main conclusion I have come to since becoming a dad. I mean they sleep but they sleep when they want to no matter how it affects anyone else. Our daughter wakes up every 2 and a half to three hours to eat. This schedule makes sleep, at least when my wife and I want to sleep, nearly impossible. So when Samantha slept from 11pm to 4:30am last night it was with great relief, enthusiasm and excitement. That was the longest stretch my wife has been without a baby since conception and it was certainly nice for her.
Since we started this journey into parenthood we have been faced with a few challenges, a few successes, a few things we don't plan on doing ever again and a fair amount of lessons learned. From what we have seen, read and been told there is no certain way to get babies to sleep when the adults want them too. Babies have their own clocks and they obey those clocks without care if it's night or day or you're in Church or at the doctor's office or in the supermarket. Before we had our daughter I never grasped why women would breast feed in a public place, it seemed they should try to find a private locale and then feed at will. As I just said above, babies clocks don't allow for the delay in getting something to eat just as they don't allow for too many adjustments to their sleep schedule.
In one of the parenting books we read it stated quite clearly that one of the worst things you can do is to try to force a baby onto a rigid sleep schedule. Never wake up a sleeping baby or you'll get an overtired baby who won't be able to sleep and will be very cranky on top of it all! Not a scenario that my wife or I are in any rush to have happen in our home. Believe it or don't believe it, it was scary enough for me to pay close attention to.
This too shall pass is the mantra that most experienced parents seem to live by. As you have read in previous posts, sometimes I try to rush through the days to reach the next milestone. I am doing my best not to rush and I am not hoping that anything passes too quickly. I think I will take a different mantra, everything happens for a reason and will move along at its own pace.

La Bambina Just Smiled

2006-01-29T15:07:00.000-05:00

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you’ll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what’s the use of crying?
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what’s the use of crying?
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile....

Smile by Nat King Cole, 1954

Well Samantha turned seven weeks old yesterday. I'm sure it's not such a big deal in the overall scheme of her life but the changes in her over this time are pretty amazing.
Our daughter is smiling, not the smile of a baby with gas or a baby who is pooping. She is smiling in reaction to things that are making her happy, the sound of her mom's voice, being held, or being sung too. From my perspective this really is, along with focusing her eyes, the beginning of her becoming a little person. The interactive nature of this little change in facial gestures certainly makes her seem more human, more like a little person rather than a tiny little noise machine.
This is probaby one of those milestones that doesn't really stay with you as long as some of the really big moments in a baby's life. First steps, first words, first time on the potty...those are the milestones that people always talk about, the ones they really remember.
For us, our baby smiling allows us to begin to discover what she likes and what she doesn't llike. What makes her happy and what makes her sad. It is also the first bit of commuincation, other than crying, that we have been able to share with her. When she smiles, we smile and most of the time now when we smile at her she smiles back. Communication between people takes so many forms, most communication is not verbal.
It seems like a waste to try to rush her along the path towards adulthood. Everyday she is becoming a little smarter, a little easier to commuincate with. It makes me wonder how much of her communication cues we miss because we just don't understand them. I guess it really does boil down to what my dad always told me, to listen to someone requires more than just hearing their words. In this case we need to focus on Samantha's face, her hand motions and her body language to try to ascertain what she is saying. Smiling is a very big indicator towards how she feels and not one that we should be ignoring.
As parents we should be able to pause those moments in our kids lives that mean something. The really important moments so that there is no chance we miss them. This would be one of the moments that I would pause....even if just for a few days because I don't want to miss it and I sure don't want to forget it.

Sick Day

2006-01-28T21:30:00.000-05:00

On this date in 1986, the space shuttle Challenger exploded 73 seconds after liftoff from Cape Canaveral, killing all seven onboard. I mention this disaster today because it's important to realize how each of us can affect the lives of all of those around us. I don't usually get too wrapped up in these type of events but for some reason this "disaster" really affected me. Actually, this was the saddest thing I remember happening in my lifetime, except for September 11, 2001. Should this really be considered a disaster or was it more of a tragic accident? Something that was preventable if someone did the right thing along the way?
Well I got to see my daughter for about and hour today...I worked until three then slept and went back to work at 10:30pm. That kinda sucked but what are you going to do? You can peruse some of the other blogs to get my opinion on my job and I am in no mood to delve into that again.
One thing I will say now that I am back intermingling with the general public is that it really amazes me how selfish and inconsiderate a lot of my fellow human beings are. I guess I never really noticed it before but I sure do notice it now!
People come to work, hacking, coughing, sneezing and who knows what else with who knows what kind of ailments. We all get sick days, perhaps we should be using them when we are actually sick....I understand this is a crazy concept but if you stay home when you're sick then you don't get me sick and I may have some compassion for you if and when I get sick. With my job I share everything, except for my headset, with everyone else who works here. Everything they touch I have to touch, everytime they cough or spew all over is something I am going to be using 40 minutes later.
All the child care books say that my baby is going to get certain antibodies from my wife's breast milk. Things to help them avoid getting sick, my concern is that if my wife is staying home where is she getting exposed to the germs to develop the antibodies that are then going into our daughter? Short answer is, she is going to be exposed to these germs through contact with me. I have all ready invested a small fortune in different purell type hand sanitizers and am seriously considering changing clothes in my garage so I don't bring anything into the house from work. I am not trying to shelter the baby from everything, I understand that eventually she is going to get a cold or God forbid something much worse but it sure would be nice if she can stay illness free for as long as is possible.
Consider this a personal favor to me, if you are sick please stay home. You never know if that person you're hacking on has someone at home that is too small to successfully fend off a cold.

Alone time

2006-01-27T15:42:00.000-05:00

Today was the big day, I guess I should say today was another big day. My wife went to the doctor and I was in charge of the baby, by myself, for the first time. There was no one to hand her to if she began to cry too much or to feed her or to change her. Everything that she needed for two hours was only going to be handled by one person,me.
My wife has been doing the solo act, on and off, for about two weeks because I occasionally went into work or the supermarket. She has all the tools necessary to satisfy the baby, not to mention the bonding between the two of them that has occurred over these last six weeks. Breastfeeding is certainly a great thing for mom and baby but it eliminates me from being able to share in the bonding process with our daughter. I have read the books and have heard about being able to bond in other ways, diaper changing, holding, cuddling or singing to her. None of these can come close to the bond that happens between mom and baby while feeding.
I am not trying to complain, being able to sleep all night while my wife feeds our child every three hours is really nice. It just seems that by missing out on this bond I am falling further behind in the process of getting to know our daughter and her getting to know me. This puts me at a disadvantage when I am going to watch her by myself. Or so I thought...
Once my wife left I almost picked my daughter up because she began to get fussy. The only thing that I do that my wife chooses not to is carry our daughter around in a football hold. She likes being held that way and it really seems to calm her down. Within two minutes she was fast asleep, a sleep that she would stay in until about five minutes before my wife got home. Although the last five minutes seem to last as long as the preceding 1+55 minutes we all made it through this milestone unscathed.
Will I be as lucky the next time my wife needs to go out without the baby? Probably not and the same doubts that I have about my abilities to care for our daughter, alone, will creep back into my mind. So far my wife and I are making a pretty good team. Two against one seems to be the best defense but as any football fan knows sometimes man to man is necessary.
This will just be like everything else though, becoming a dad takes practice, commitment and dedication. It doesn't require me to replace my wife, it only requires me to stand in occasionally...

Back to wherever you came from

2006-01-26T17:52:00.000-05:00

On January 25, 1837 the state of Michigan joined the United States of America forever changing how the world would view this country. On Jauary 25, 2006 my daughter Samantha continues to change how I view my work, my life and most certainly my future.
Today was a day that I have been dreading for the past 6 weeks, returning to work full-time. While my wife was pregnant I never gave much thought to going to work, she was still my wife and could take care of herself, she was just a bigger version. Now that our daughter is in the picture, my perception of leaving them alone has really changed. Even though my wife handles most of the day to day, hands-on nurturing of our daughter I still play a pretty important role (at least in my mind). A wise old man told me that if I take care of my wife so she can take care of the baby things will run smoothly. Usually, wise old men turn out to be less than wise, they are just old. In this instance, this bit of advice actually worked out quite well for our family unit.
With me doing all the cooking, all the cleaning (thankful I bought "my wife" a roomba in late November), all the shopping, and all the laundry my wife could focus on doing the most important thing in the house, caring for our daughter. I can always leave the laundry for tomorrow or grab take-out Chinese for dinner but my wife is on call 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. She doesn't get any real breaks, she is always ready to take care of the baby, feeding her or just interacting with her. The funny thing is that although she's working twice as hard as me, I am the one who seems to get cranky and tired. That's why I dread returning to work.
With me out of the house my wife is going to feel obligated to begin "pulling her own weight around here" which to her means doing all the cooking, cleaning, shopping and caring of the baby. If she wasn't tired before she certainly is going to be getting pretty tired trying to accomplish all of the tasks that keep the house running. Some of the tired and cranky she is going to experience is going to filter out of her and wind up on the baby....kind of like a leaking cup of coffee.
Some of the tasks I am happy that she is going to begin doing again...cleaning cat poop pans for instance. I have never had a cat before marriage, never wanted one really but now we have three poop pans that need cleaned and they need cleaned pretty regularly. When my wife first told me that she was out of the poop pan business I was okay with the descision because it was a small part for me to play in the pregnancy experience. After about three weeks I had enough...cat poop pans and the job of cleaning them is one of the foulest things I can imagine having to do on a daily basis. Give me a baby with poop in her diaper anyday. I made it the ten months and all the cats survived but I do not look forward to having to resume this duty again anytime in the future.
Returning to work and missing out on the things that are happening with my daughter are just the way things are. My job is to make sure that my wife is warm, dry and has enough to eat so she can continue to raise our daughter the best way she can. Keeping that small fact in mind enables me to get through the eight hour workday.

Keeping your eye on the prize

2006-01-25T14:38:00.000-05:00

In your eyes

Accepting all IÂve done and said
I want to stand and stare again
Til thereÂs nothing left out, oh
It remains there in your eyes
Whatever comes and goes
I will hear your silent call
I will touch this tender wall
Til I know IÂm home again
Ooh

In your eyes (in your eyes)
In your eyes (in your eyes)
In your eyes (in your eyes)
In your eyes

Peter Gabriel

If you didn't know her you would never of noticed the change. If you had only seen her once or twice the change was also probably not detected. My wife and I noticed immediately. Our daughter, whose eyes have only seemed like reflecting mirrors, began focusing on objects, people and animals today. When you talk to her you can look into her eyes and see, for the first time in her young life, that there is something going on inside her brain. Slowly, she is beginning to figure things out, to learn, to begin to think.
As her mom talks to me our daughter turns her head to look at her, trying to find her, hoping to see her mom and feel the connection that they share. Our daughter looks in the direction of the dog when he barks, trying to understand what that noise means and if she needs to be afraid or not
This entire process is truly amazing to me. Perhaps I personalize her too much but I can try to figure out what she must be thinking. Seeing everything in her world for the first time, soaking in everything that she can, remembering which face goes with mom and which face goes with dad.
I envy her newness, her innocence and her ability to learn. Hopefully, she will keep these traits for just a while longer.

Stay hidden

2006-01-24T19:44:00.000-05:00

On this date in 1972 a Japanese soldier, Shoichi Yokoi, was discovered in Guam, having spent 28 years hiding in the jungle thinking World War II was still going on.
Sometimes, even with all evidence to the contrary, we believe what we know to be right in our hearts. Although the world around us is in a constant state of change if we believe something hard enough it will become our reality. Mr. Yokoi really believed that he was still fighting, almost 26 years after the war had ended. He was still crawling around, hiding, trying not to become a POW. He survived on a diet of coconuts, breadfruit, papayas, snails, eels and rats. Basically, he spent his youth, his early adulthood, and middle adulthood living in his own fantasyland. By the time he was freed from this fantasy he was an old man, a whole life seemingly wasted yet he found himself to be successful. "We Japanese soldiers were told to prefer death to the disgrace of getting captured alive," Yokoi said in 1972. "The only thing that gave me the strength and will to survive was my faith in myself and that as a soldier of Japan, it was not a disgrace to continue on living," He never had children, never had a family, lived alone in a rat hole type cave in the jungles of Guam yet he feels he had a successful life.
I really believe that all parents have a right to hope for that from their kids...that the kids go out and have a successful life. Unfortunately, the parents don't get to decide what makes up a successful life. This is a real challenge for most people, we as adults except a certain amount of respect and adherence to our directions from our children. At least I anticipate expecting that once she is old enough to comprehend my directions. The reality is that our children are going to learn by watching us, by watching TV, movies, internet, video games, friends and countless other ways. All of these influences are inevitably going to shape what our children think of as success. Do you want your kids looking at Britney Spears and thinking that she has a successful life? How about george bush? Gandhi? Bono? Socrates? Ian McEwan? All of these people are thought of as successful by someone although you and I may disagree. How will you react if your children decide to emulate someone you find repulsive? We may be able to convince ourselves that our kids are doing what we want them to do, we can really, truly believe it....even if we are the only ones who can see it.
Would Mr. Yokoi's parents think he lived a successful life? Would you think that his life was successful if he was your child? Hopefully, whatever my daughter decides constitutes a successful life I will be able to agree.

Offspring

2005-12-17T19:54:00.000-05:00

The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
H. L. Mencken

Up until about 6 months ago I had a habit of saying to people with kids "Hey, how's your wife and offspring?". Usually this was meet with some degree of surprise or at least some degree of shock. The word offspring is usually reserved for animals, actually I think of an opossum when I say it. I am not really too sure what made me use that expression in the first place but I enjoyed the reaction it got from people so I kept using it. No one ever really asked me to stop calling their kids baby opossums nor did they say they were offended. I guess it was kind of humorous to the parent opossum as well.
With the birth of our daughter I have stopped posing this question. It is kind of insulting and a little bit on the obnoxious side. I have also begun to question a lot of my own pre-parenthood beliefs about: breastfeeding in public (only in an emergency), kids out to dinner (depends on the kid, and the parents), kids on airplanes (still am not a fan but can see the need a little bit better now)and kids throwing tantrums (I haven't experienced this yet but I am more forgiving to those parents who have to deal with it).
I guess you could say that I am losing the eyes of a single person and gaining the eyes of a father. These eyes take some time and patience to develop. I won't see as clearly as a father with more experience but with time they will improve. I will begin to understand what my parents went through, what other parents go through. More importantly I will begin to sympathize with other parents out there, alone, trying to deal with a screaming, kicking, crying child without losing their minds.
Hopefully, I can avoid those people who don't see through a parent's eyes. Maybe someone, somewhere won't glare at me when my daughter cries in church, throws food at a restaurant or screams on the whole flight from Boston to Las Vegas. Maybe.

Friends with kids

2005-12-16T19:57:00.000-05:00

It's the friends you can call up at four a.m. that matter.

Marlene Dietrich (1901 - 1992)

I am sure that you have those friends who have kids and are always explaining everything to you about how wonderful it is to have kids. At least that is the first comment, it then is followed by one or several negatives about having kids.
I never fully grasped this before but it's is becoming clearer to me know...all our friends with kids have developed the same attention span that their kids have. They can not stay focused on a task any longer than their oldest child can. I suppose it won't be too long before I am dispensing sage advice to new parents myself, after all I enjoy nothing more than carrying on age old traditions.
Our friends with kids have been great about sharing advice, never too pushy, never too preachy, they always act like they are sharing information with us rather than telling us what to do.
Hopefully, when people come to me for advice I can remember how it feels to be told something as opposed to being preached to as opposed to being talked to. There is a definite difference, a notable difference and a profound difference between the three.
Being a new parent requires a lot of skills that will be different and new. I am hoping that I'm going to the right places to get the information and once I have the information I apply it correctly. That is one of my reasons for writing this blog, to reach other parents and to gather advice from them. After all, isn't it the responsibility of society to help raise each child?

Always looking ahead

2005-12-15T19:53:00.000-05:00

The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once.
Albert Einstein

As the days begin to blur due to anxiety, lack of sleep and the overwhelming changes that are constantly occurring in our lives I find that I am falling into the trap that a lot of people fall into. I am beginning to miss out on the present moment, I am waiting for the next milestone, looking for it to happen, waiting for it to get here. I am spending so much energy looking for the next moment that I am missing the moments that are happening right in front of me.
Our baby is like a little sponge, slowly soaking up everything. Every minute she's doing something, learning something new, experiencing something for the first time. As the saying goes, You never get a second chance at a first impression. This is too true with my daughter. We only get one shot at experiencing all the firsts that she is going to have.
To stay focused on the present moment is my new mantra, what happens in the future will have to wait until we get there.

Time to go home

2005-12-12T17:57:00.000-05:00

By nature, men are nearly alike; by practice, they get to be wide apart.
Confucius, The Confucian Analects

The more things change the more they stay the same (I think Cinderella said that). The time we spent in the hospital was great, the staff was awesome, and the care my wife and daughter received was top-notch. With that being said there is no place like home, there's no place like home, There's no place like home (Dorothy, Wizard of Oz).
The first trip in the car with this new little person couldn't of been any different than the drive to the hospital. Every speed limit was obeyed, every bump or pothole was avoided. Nothing was going to prevent me from my task of getting my wife and newborn baby home in one piece.
It is too strange to consider how much the last three days have changed, and of course will continue to change, my life. Our baby is finally here, we are no longer expectant parents, we are parents. I am someone's' Dad, that is a scary thing for me to think about, much less for me to say. This tiny little person can't do anything without input from my wife or I. We have been given this enormous gift but with this gift comes an equally large responsibility. Everything that we do she will try to copy, at least for the first few years. We will all make mistakes, that's a part of life. Now I need to make sure that my mistakes aren't so great that they hurt my family. My life is no longer my own. There is no more selfishness allowed, everything I do now needs to be thought through and discussed and decided on based on what's best for our family. I have never really thought like that before. Up until now pretty much everything has been about me but that has to change or my family could be adversely affected.
When my wife and I decided to become parents we talked about the hopes and dreams we will have for our child. Part of the work is finished but most of it hasn't even begun. It is going to be interesting to see how far my daughter can go as she begins her journey into this life.

Football Sunday

2005-12-11T17:56:00.000-05:00

The more things change, the more they stay the same (I think Cinderella said that).
Well today was the first day that we are officially parents, the first full 24 hours.
Breastfeeding issues, bathing problems, learning (or re-learning) to change diapers are the main obstacles of the day. The nice thing about newborns is that they sleep almost all the time, at least that's pretty much all that she's been doing since she was born. She does occasionally awaken but that is usually only to eat, so it's not too hard to figure out what she needs when she starts to cry.
I, like a lot of males in America, enjoy watching football on Sundays. My wife, like a lot of females in America, can really take or leave the whole football thing. Being as we are still in the hospital and still learning about being parents it seemed strange to me that at 1pm on Sunday my brain knew it was time to watch some football. It would stand to reason that with everything going on, all the changes that have happened in the last 19 hours, football would not really concern me too much. However, it is really amazing how hard the brain works to always trying to retain or regain the comfort zone.
My comfort zone is pretty small, any kind of change and I am easily outside my it. The birth of our daughter is probably the second largest change in my life, it may well be the first as my wedding becomes more and more a part of my past.
The nice thing about comfort zones is that, if we let them, they can be fairly flexible things. If we allow it, the changes can be incorporated into our daily routines and slowly our comfort zone enlarges enough to absorb the new things. Although I don't currently possess the most flexible of comfort zones I think my daughter is the one who is going to guide me along the path of acceptance of new and exciting changes....

8:55pm

2005-12-10T20:55:00.000-05:00

Well, she's here....finally. After nine months of planning, stressing, anxiety and insecurity the little person who has been growing inside of my wife has finally decided that December 10, 2005 is the day to be born. About two weeks early, tipping the scales at a respectable 7.0lbs and 19.5". Not too small and not too large, as Goldilocks would say "she's just right."
There are so many feelings to describe, so many emotions to uncover and not enough time to get to them all. Today has been a roller coaster of sorts, excitement, boredom, back to excitement and then finally exhaustion. Now remember these are my feelings, my wife probably had a few less of the excitement and a few more of the exhaustion.
The nurses, especially Emily who was there when my wife gave birth, were really amazing. The blend of caring and expertise that they showed during the whole birthing process really showed the kind of people they are. I hope that one day I can be as good at my job as they are at theirs.
There is nothing in the world that I would be willing to exchange this experience for. Just being able to be there while this was happening was enough of an experience but to actually feel as though I was a part of it made it all the more special. Now before anyone gets their feminist radar fired up, I know that I didn't give birth. I know that I couldn't give birth, I would of opted for a scheduled caesarian with whatever knock-out gas that is available. But I just felt it from my wife that she needed me in there with her. Even though all I did was hold her hand and occasionally kiss her forehead, those small gestures let her know that I was watching out for her and let her concentrate on getting our daughter into the world.
Now I know that a lot of fathers-to-be are worried about seeing the blood or that they will pass out or that their wives are going to be in too much pain. For me I was worried that I wouldn't make it because my wife would become some other person. During our childbirth classes I had one thought burned into my brain over and over again. My wife was going to become this snarling, curing, angry, spiteful woman once the birthing process started. Thankfully, this image was totally off base. My wife was the same person that she always is, she never cursed or screamed "You did this to me!!" like I had seen in a few thousand movies and TV shows. She was in pain, that was obvious, but she also had this amazing air of calmness about her. Whenever I felt anxious about her being in pain or the amount of blood or whatever else I may of been anxious about all I had to do was look into my wife's eyes and I just knew that everything was going to be okay.
Looking at this perfect blend of my wife and I is just so amazing. All the anxiety about everything melted away once she was placed on my wife's tummy. To be able to see your baby open her eyes for the first time and to look at your wife as she sees the baby for the first time, those are the moments in life that make everything else worth it.

7:09am

2005-12-10T12:55:00.000-05:00

"I think my water broke..." that's the first thing I hear as I wake up this morning. What does she mean she thinks? Aren't women genetically programmed to KNOW when these things happen? As I leap from bed my mind is all ready spinning with ways to solve this issue, except that this is all happening about two weeks ahead of schedule. Thankfully I did pack a bag and who can remember what I put in there but it's going to have to do.
My wife, Kelly, thinks it's too early to call the doctor...too early to let the doctor know that the birthing process has begun. Naturally, I totally disagree and insist that the doctor needs to be let in on our little secret. If I know about it then he should certainly know about it.
The house is all abuzz with nervous energy and the dog doesn't like the feeling at all. Barking, crying and needing attention my brave guard dog needs me to comfort him and let him know that everything in all of our lives are not about to change forever. I can't explain to my four legged buddy that everything is going to be okay, he's still going to be loved and taken care of just like he was before. Of course, this is not true. Everyone who has had a dog without kids knows that the dog is treated like your first kid...until your real first human kid comes along. Sadly, I can't allow the dog to slow down my anxiety train...the next stop is going to be the maternity ward at the Concord hospital or so I think.
The doctor calls my wife and tells her to try to get to the hospital as soon as possible. As soon as possible, at least to me, means we need to be leaving now. As soon as possible to my wife means we should get going after she has a shower and eaten breakfast. I am not too sure how that became her version of as soon as possible but if she isn't going to be nervous then what point is there in my being nervous?
The only thing that I need to do in the birthing process, the only thing that any Dad needs to do actually, is get the mom-to-be to the hospital, birthing center or midwife before the baby is born in the backseat of our car. Once we are in the car it becomes my turn to be in control, a small part of this day that I have some control over. The drive to the hospital is 15 minutes, a casual, easy drive from our house. Of course today everyone who wants to obey every speed limit, stop sign and crosswalk is going to be in front of us. The only vision that I have is recurring and scary...and not one that I really want to happen. There is no way that I am going to be delivering this baby in the back seat of our car. As I cross over the double yellow lines and pass the first of several too law abiding citizens I begin to realize that this is actually happening, the baby is coming and we are going to be three instead of two. Nine months of planning, waiting, anticipating and worrying are all coming together at this one point in time. Other people are going about their normal days, totally unaware that my world is about to change and it will never ever be the same as it was just yesterday.

She's on her way.....

2005-12-07T20:19:00.000-05:00

Welcome to my blog...
The main goal of this blog will be to chronicle my journey through the new world of parenthood. My first daughter, and first child, is due on December 22, 2005. Two more weeks and I am going to be a dad and I hope to write everything that happens during this upcoming phase of life....

A few rules about how I plan to do this blog...
1) I am not a professional blogger (if there is such a thing), I am a father-to-be, a husband, an air traffic controller and a fairly nice guy. There are going to be some mistakes made while I progress into the blog, as I am sure there will be some mistakes as I progress into the world of parenthood.
2) Comments are not only expected they are welcome. I hope that someone is going to read this, maybe someone who is behind me in this process or maybe someone who is right where I am or maybe someone who thinks my writing is really funny (or really poor) and they can't wait to see what I write next.
3) Please do not expect anything more than my perspective, insights and feelings as you peruse this blog and take this journey with me. I am not an expert on parenting so what I do and what I feel should not be taken as advice, if you take my musings as advice you may want to really make sure that you agree with what I am saying because at the end of the day your decisions are your own and I am not making any decisions for you.