Monday, February 27, 2006

Happy Time


Well the south side of chicago
Is the baddest part of town
And if you go down there
You better just beware
Of a man named leroy brown

Now leroy more than trouble
You see he stand ’bout six foot four
All the downtown ladies call him treetop lover
All the mens just call him sir

And it’s bad, bad leroy brown
The baddest man in the whole damn town
Badder than old king kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog

Now leroy he a gambler
And he like his fancy clothes
And he like to wave his diamond rings
In front of everybody’s nose
He got a custom continental
He got an eldorado too
He got a 32 gun in his pocket for fun
He got a razor in his shoe

And it’s bad, bad leroy brown
The baddest man in the whole damn town
Badder than old king kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog

Well friday bout a week ago
Leroy shootin’ dice
And at the edge of the bar
Sat a girl named doris
And ooh that girl looked nice
Well he cast his eyes upon her
And the trouble soon began
And leroy brown learned a lesson
’bout messin’ with the wife of a jealous man

And it’s bad, bad leroy brown
The baddest man in the whole damned town
Badder than old king kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog,

Well the two men took to fightin’
And when they pulled them from the floor
Leroy looked like a jigsaw puzzle
With a couple of pieces gone

And it’s bad, bad leroy brown
The baddest man in the whole damn town
Badder than old king kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog

Bad, Bad Leroy Brown by Jim Croce

My alarm clock went off at 3:45 this morning. It not only woke me up, it woke the baby as well.
She was laughing, smiling and having herself one of the best mornings a baby can have. It makes me wonder how much of the morning blahs are actually just mental.
The smiling, laughing and cooing at 3:45am made my whole day. It really doesn't take very much to alter my day. Just little things can make a day great, by the same token just little things can make my day crap.
This is most likely learned behavior as my daughter seems to be able to be happy no matter the time of day it is. She has no concept that at 3am you're supposed to be tired, she's just tired when she's tired and that is all there is to it. Wouldn't it be simpler if everyone lived that way? Rather than making ourselves go to sleep at "bedtime" we just go to sleep when we're tired whether that time is 6pm or 11pm it really wouldn't matter. The same thing with dinner time, the baby eats when she's hungry, my wife and I try to eat at a certain approved "dinnertime".
We learned these appropriate times from our parents and from the greater society as a whole. Now I know that I have written about society teaching kids in a few past blogs, but this is almost teaching them to ignore their bodies and only obey the clock on the wall.
There is something wrong with telling kids they have to eat when they are not hungry and then getting angry when they don't eat. As infants we accept that they will eat when they are hungry because infants, more or less, can't be trained. Maybe we all would be a little happier if we were never trained to ignore the sensations that our body is made to send us. I am going to try to live that way for a week, only eating when I am hungry and going to sleep when I am tired. Maybe instead of trying and hoping my daughter will learn my timeline, I will try and learn hers.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Snow Go



The point of philosophy is to start with something so simple as not to seem worth stating, and to end with something so paradoxical that no one will believe it.
Bertrand Russell

Well day one of grandparents in toyland....so far so good. It's snowing pretty good out right now, hard enough that the snowblower and I are going to get a workout once the sun goes down.
My parents have decided they will travel down to my brother's house during the snow storm. They live on long island so they have driven in snow before but I still would have preferred they wait until tomorrow to go traveling around a place they have never been before. Needless to say they got into an accident. It wasn't a bad accident, their rear bumper got dented but nobody, thankfully, was injured.

It never ceases to amaze me how one decision affects so many other things. My parents decide to visit my brother, they get rear-ended. If they stay at my house maybe the car that rear-ended them slides through an intersection and four people die. How does their leaving or staying affect the great plan of the universe? I have no clue. It's just fascinating to me to think of the myriad of things that may of been different if they had left my house 5 minutes later or 5 minutes earlier.
The same can be said about my daughter. How would she be different if she was born four years ago instead of now? Where would we be living, how would we feel about her and how would she feel about us? Is the time that we had her the right time for us or was it too soon? Maybe it was too late...
These questions, of course, have no answer. They are just fun things that I like to think about. Kind of like the whole if a tree falls in the woods does it make a sound question. You can view it your way, I'll view it mine and odds are we are both wrong but maybe we're both also right.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Grandparents on the loose


When you can think of yesterday without regret and tomorrow without fear, you are near contentment.

Author Unknown

Well my parents, our babies grandparents, are on their way to visit us from the great state of New York. There have been a few delays, some related to health others to the weather, but it appears this weekend will be the one. This visit should be intersting, exciting and tiring. My brother also lives in New Hampshire and they have not seen his home yet so they are going to have to visit with him as well. It is a 5 hour drive from NY to my house, 6 and a half when my parents drive it. They are returning home on Sunday, so they plan on being in my home for probably a total of 20 hours. Seems like a lot of driving for such a short visit...
Last week my sister visited and it through off the babies schedule. I am hopeful that the baby will adjust a little bit better to this visit. Everyday that goes by she gets a little bit more child like and a little less baby like. She is slowly beginning to get into a normal routine, she doesn't eat every two hours anymore, she doesn't sleep all day long anymore, she doesn't soil 8-12 diapres a day anymore. She is beginning to become her own little person, although she of course doesn't talk she can certainly let everyone know what is making her happy and what is making her sad.
My parents have missed out on some of the baby's life, some parts that she won't be reliving. Hopefully, she will only continue to progress and not regress into some of her more baby like behaviors. I guess that I am saddened that my parents haven't been able to make it up here to see her sooner. Thankfully, the internet, digital photos, and DVD's allow them to share in things much more than previous generations.
I wonder if that feels the same to my parents. To receive an email that says "new pictures of Samantha", look at the pictures...does that replace the experience of smelling the baby, hearing her, touching her? Does using one sense ever replace the other four? In my life experience I would have to say that we need to try and use all of our senses to fully experience something but using only one is better than using none.
It's sad to miss out on things, to regret that you are never going to be able to do something. My life has had its' share of regret. Thankfully, missing out on my daughter is not going to be one of them.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

School days



The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children.

King Edward VIII

Did an observation at the middle school today, seventh grade math to be most accurate. One of the students asked me how old I was, she told me that I was old once I answered her question. All the other little girls laughed and so did I.
It got me thinking about how our personal perception of things can be altered, influenced or adjusted by those around us. I have always been intrigued that my version of reality and the guy standing right next to me could be totally different although we are experiencing the same thing.
Our daughter is going to be growing, developing and forming her views based on the information that is presented to her. If we as parents allow her influences to be things we don't understand or know about it we will have no one to blame but ourselves. There are a lot of stories being discussed about myspace.com, teenagers getting into trouble with adults. Of course the adults are to blame, there is no excuse for trying to have sex with a minor. However, where is the outrage, or at least the questioning, directed at the parents of these kids? Why are these kids allowed to spend so munch time alone on the computer? If the parents do not understand what their kids are doing the parents need to stop the behavior until they are comfortable with it.
Some will say that parents need to choose their battles, they can't fight with their kids about everything. I tend to agree. Now it seems that some parents are choosing not to enter any battles, the kids run the show and do whatever they want to do. This I can't understand. Parents need to be the main guiding light in their kids lives, they need to be the ones shaping their kids futures.
If parents shirk this responsibility they have no one to blame but themselves.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Read and react


As readers of this blog you rarely, if ever, will be asked to do anything except read. Today is a day when I will ask you to read, act and then forward this message to others that you know. If you would be willing to help my family I would be very appreciative.

As you know all too well, NATCA and the FAA have been engaged in contract negotiations since last summer. At the table, these talks have been going very well, with agreements being reached much faster than in previous years. But unfortunately, it’s now clearer than ever that the FAA management is intent on driving these negotiations to impasse as soon as is it can reasonably possible – perhaps as soon as the next few weeks.

Their goal is to exploit the law to unilaterally impose a draconian set of work rules on NATCA’s members, gutting the principles of fair collective bargaining, forcing our air traffic controllers to accept pay cuts and then a pay freeze. I don’t have to tell you the negative effects this could have on our aviation system and morale.

Fortunately, thanks to the leadership of a group of Senators, Congresswomen and Congressmen, NATCA has secured the introduction of two bills that would restore fairness and accountability to the negotiating process. The bi-partisan “FAA Fair Labor Management Dispute Resolution Act of 2006” will ensure the FAA gets back to the negotiating table in earnest by providing for binding arbitration instead of FAA imposition.

This is where you come in. We need your help to make sure your Senators sign on to this important bill as soon as possible. That’s why we’re asking you, your friends and family, your email contacts, and anybody you can call to call 1-877 FAIR FAA today. The toll free number will put you directly in contact with your Senator’s office and when that happens you should:

Give your name and tell them you are a registered voter in your state; Tell them you are concerned about the FAA’s actions and want to ensure fairness for America’s air traffic controllers; Tell them you want them to support the Obama Bill, Senate 2201

Please, ask your friends, family and neighbors to call this number today. It’s vital we send a strong message to Congress that we won’t stand for an FAA agenda that will harm the integrity of the National Airspace System.

You can also learn more about this issue from NATCA’s new website: www.fairFAA.com.

Monday, February 20, 2006

President's Day


Government is not reason, it is not eloquence, it is force; like fire, a troublesome servant and a fearful master. Never for a moment should it be left to irresponsible action.
George Washington

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
Abraham Lincoln

Today is the day that we honor the presidents, Lincoln and Washington. It used to be that we had two separate holidays to honor these great past leaders of our country. Thinking and reflecting about the tasks these men faced, the adversaries they overcame and the strength they displayed in the face of crushing defeats really makes me amazed at the current state of affairs in D.C.
Not to get too political but this current administration really scares me and the path it is pushing America down frightens me because it really is my kids who are going to have to clean up the mess. The Iraq war is most likely not going to end in my lifetime. Terrorists are possibly planning an attack on Los Angeles, New York or Atlanta as I type this. China is amassing men, military might, nuclear weapons, financial capital and political influence at an alarming rate.
granted I am not in the know in the political circles but from my perspective none of these issues are being dealt with. This administration started the war in Iraq with no plan on how to end it. The probable end is we are going to leave, the country will descend into civil war while we look the other way. The terrorists will strike at us again. It's just a question of where, when and what they use this time. If current funding streams continue to dry up there is going to be less and less money to fight the "global war on terror" because eventually the administration, not this administration, is going to have to invest some funds into the crumbling America that bush/cheney has managed to create.
How much is New Orleans and the rest of the gulf coast going to cost to repair? Does this administration even care? If they do, where are they with the money, the support to get New Orleans alive again? When it was election time they sure got the Florida electorate back on it's feet again in a hurry. Oh right, that wasn't because of the election it was because the next king bush rules Florida. I forgot.
I could continue this rant about political issues but I won't...I just got done eating lunch and it makes my stomach hurt.
All I hope for out of my political leaders is that they try to do what is best for this country. That they try to do what is best for my family and that they try to do what's best for my daughter's future.
This administration has failed me and you, quite miserably, on all three.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Ski day


If you treat people right they will treat you right - ninety percent of the time.

Franklin D. Roosevelt (1882 - 1945)

My wife, sister and my sister's boyfriend all went skiing today. My baby and I stayed warm and dry drinking cocoa in the lodge. I don't mind being muddy, dirty, sweaty, wet, or hot when I perform athletic type activities. I really don't like being cold, sweaty, and wet though. I have tried the winter sports, I still like to play hockey, but the rest of them just don't agree with me. If it's cold outside than I don't want to be out there, that is the simple truth.
Once the spring time comes and I can go out and ride my bike or take a walk with the dog or ride my dirtbike then I will be the one outside doing rather than inside watching. Plus by staying in I get to do a lot of my school work...not. It's President's Day weekend one of the busiest weekends for skiing in New England as winter vacation is starting for a lot of school aged kids. Busy is a bit of an understatement for the conditions today,the lodge was a mob scene, every seat they had was in use and the moment someone got up from a seat seven people swarmed to it hoping to sit and eat their hamburger and fries. My wife had the baby in her car seat, a diaper bag and was dressed in her skiing clothes. She really couldn't be battling with people for seats because she was not as mobile as most of the other people there. After two laps around the downstairs and one lap around the second level she decided to wait for me near the entrance so we could go home. Thankfully, a very nice lady, Debbie from New Jersey, had a different idea in mind. This woman had an extra seat at her table and she made sure my wife got to sit in it with the baby. She got my wife's attention, not an easy task considering that my wife was on the first floor by the exits and Mrs. New Jersey was on the second floor. There was no yelling over the crowd noise and everything that transpired between them was done with eye contact and hand gestures. This was occurring while I was carrying my wife's ski equipment back from the truck that was parked 2 miles away.
Sometimes people don't realize that their seemingly small gestures will have an enormous impact on other peoples lives. If this woman from New Jersey had not let my wife sit with her we would of left the mountain and gone home, thereby ruining everyone's day. It was no big deal, that is what Mrs. New Jersey kept telling us. Actually,, it was one of the nicest things I can recall someone else doing for us since we left North Carolina. I would like to think that if I was in the same situation that I would act like Debbie from New Jersey. I would like to think that most people would act like Debbie from New Jersey. The truth is that most everyone else would not act like Debbie from New Jersey and you can think that is cynical but if you are honest you know it is the truth. That is a sad thing to write and an even sadder way to live. Hopefully, my daughter will be more like Debbie from New jersey if she is ever in the situation to help someone else. Hopefully, my wife and I can help her become that way.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Freezer

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.
Leo J. Burke

The baby slept in her own room for the first time today. Granted it was only for 6 minutes but she was in there, alone, just the same. We have been having alot of difficulties getting her to sleep on a regular basis so my wife is getting ready to try to follow a sleep schedule with the baby. It is going to be interesting to see how that works out.
Getting our baby to try and sleep on a schedule is really going to take a lot of commitment from both my wife and I. The baby seems to sleep whenever she feels like it now, but the book says that we need to get her into a routine. I am not too sure we need to mess with a good thing. Our daughter just turned ten weeks old, she sleeps a lot, maybe not on a regular schedule but it seems that most days she gets enough sleep.
It seems that as new parents we are falling into the 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing" trap occasionally. Of course, there really is no fault with that because no one is ever giving us anymore than a little knowledge. As new parents you feel your way through a lot of things. You try things, if they work great, if not then you try something else. Babies will eventually sleep through the night, all people eventually sleep through the night.
It's going to be like everything else, it will happen when the baby decides it's time. Hopefully, her parents can make it until then.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Powerless


Faith is like electricity. You can't see it, but you can see the light.

Author Unknown

Some strange, strange happenings in the world of weather around these parts this winter. Today the temperature began in the mid 40's and at night fall was hovering around 15. The rapid drop was brought by a shifting front and the front had 60 knot winds associated with it. 60 knot winds and tall trees near powerlines is a pretty bad combination. By 2pm our house had lost power and it seemed for a while that we would not get it back for a day or two.
Thankfully, that was not the outcome as the power company was able to restore power to our neighborhood by 6pm. As I am sure you can probably tell, we do not have a generator in case we lose electricity for a long period of time. We have a small, portable generator that can power the house but it is quite noisy, needs gasoline to run and requires some set-up. Most of our neighbors have automatic generator that click on when their house loses power, they can power the house indefinitely, or at least until they run out of propane.
Never have I thought about this before, it was never an issue, if the house lost power my wife and I could just pick up and move to a hotel or we could have a fun night in the house with candles and blankets. With the baby, I always worry that if we lose power, and with it heat, something bad is going to happen. Traveling, or just going out of the house, is a huge process now. We need to remember all of the things that the baby needs, get the baby ready to go out, pack up the truck and then we can leave. Without power, heat, and lights gathering all that stuff is going to be a lot more challenging.
Our family is going to look into getting an automatic generator in our next house so I can cross this worry off my list.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Thoughts


Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
George Carlin

Another Thursday which means another work week begins. Although this is going to be a shorter workweek as I am taking off Saturday, it is still time away from my daughter. Lately, things have been going along fairly slowly, or at least it seems that way to me. The overall excitement of becoming new parents is slowly starting to fade, our daughter is slowly becoming more a part of our daily routine. Actually, she is redefining our daily routine and in my wife's case she is becoming the daily routine.
Something that most child care books and most other parents won't tell you is how having a baby affects the couple with the new baby. My wife and I are beginning to experience how being parents is going to change our lives. Slowly, we are adapting and changing to fill these new roles. It is hard for me to put my finger on each and every change, most of them are subtle, but I can still feel that the changes are happening.
Perhaps there is a built in "honeymoon" period for new parents. The baby lets you get used to just being parents before everything begins to change. I wish I could state exactly what is different but I can't. My wife is now a mom and I am now a dad. However, it's much more complicated then that. Sometimes I wonder if my wife is ever going to get to sleep again, the real sleep that we both used to get where nothing would wake us up except a fire alarm. Now when I lean over to kiss her goodbye in the morning, the slight touch on her cheek wakes her up. Not only is she awake but she is able to have a conversation. When my wife and I were dating she rarely wanted to talk in the morning and never before her first cigarette and cup of coffee.
Her lack of sleep puts me in an uncomfortable position. After week one, I have been able to resume my normal sleeping patterns. The baby very rarely disturbs me while I am asleep, sometimes first thing in the morning but never at 3am. This is a good thing for me but a bad thing for my wife and on some levels she resents me for that. My wife would never say it, she would never act like it either, but it's just a normal reaction. "Every damn night I get up with the baby while he just sleeps right through it" is most likely a normal though in my wife's head.
I hope the baby starts sleeping through the night soon. It scares me to think what other thoughts I am going to be able to give my wife in the not too distant future.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Dentist



If you can't bite, don't show your teeth.

Yiddish Proverb


Once in the last five years. That's how many times I have been to the dentist. Pretty scary..both going and not going to the dentist. In reality average people know very little about the inner workings of our bodies. Most people can tell you more about how to work a computer than they can tell you about how their circulatory system functions. I am pretty much the same way, especially with regards to my teeth.
If they hurt, I don't really worry about it. I just don't eat ice cream on the side that hurts. Nothing is as uncomfortable as having someone drilling on your tooth, and that sound it makes...very much unacceptable. Also the "pain killer" that they use? Novacaine hurts when they inject it, takes 20 minutes to kick in (by which time the dentist is totally done with the drilling) and your mouth is numb and weird feeling for the rest of the day. I say no thank you to the whole ball of wax. If I don't go to the dentist then I'll never have a root canal, right?
As faithful readers of this blog will recall I went to the doctor two weeks ago for a physical. The doctor asked me about the dentist, not an unheard of question but a strange one just the same. As I tried to explain to him why I don't like to go to the dentist he informed me that gum disease and heart disease have been shown to be linked and the only way to see if you have gum disease is to go to the dentist.
Now that I have a wife and a daughter my mortality and fears of my own demise have become more commonplace. I have been assured that this is more or less a common fear among new parents which makes sense. Now that here is this tiny creature that is totally dependent on you, you feel obligated to take care of yourself. My wife and I quit smoking, we're starting to watch what we eat, we take vitamins and we try to get regular exercise.
With my doctor's prodding I made an appointment with a dentist and surprisingly didn't have to wait six months to see him. It was only a two day wait, not really long enough to get stressed or concerned about it. Everything went pretty well at the dentist actually, the x-rays are done differently than I remember, the chairs are still very uncomfortable but the office was relaxing and the staff was friendly.
Bottom line, four cavities all small, no gum disease but my teeth need a good cleaning. I guess five years is just about the right amount of time between dental visits.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Valentine's Day



That best portion of a good man's life,
His little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love.

William Wordsworth

Valentine's day has always been one of those holidays that is kind of strange to me. Why do we need a certain specific day to tell people that we love them? Isn't the goal, the whole point actually, of being in love being able to tell the other person how we feel? If we are uncomfortable doing it on a daily basis what does it really say about us that we feel comfortable saying it only once a year?
My wife knows how I feel about her,I think, not just through my words but also through my actions. The amount that I love her shows through each and every day. Be it because I fill the bird feeders so she can watch the birds or buy her a tennis bracelet the effect is the same. She knows that I care about her, I miss her when we are apart and I will do anything to make sure that she is happy.
My daughter doesn't know what the words "I Love you" even mean. She would be incapable of waiting for one day a year to be shown love. Thankfully, she has love and kindness shown to her every day by her mom and me. The way we care for our child, play with her, talk to her lets her know that she is loved.
One day a year is okay for a birthday party or the fourth of July. It is 364 days too few for showing and telling the people we love how we feel.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Vaccination



One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love.
Sophocles

We took our daughter in for her first round of vaccinations today. We asked the doctor about 21 questions, Pretty routine stuff, all straight forward first time parent type questions. He spent a lot of time, for a doctor at least, explaining what all the different things mean, how they affect our daughter and what we should do in response to them. The doctor was even able to make my wife relax a little bit about calling their office after hours.
We have decided to break up the shots that the baby gets, they would prefer that she get three shots at each office visit. We are going with the one shot a week philosophy and after our daughter got her first shot I am very thankful that someone gave us that bit of advice. The pain from the shot must of been fairly serious, it really made our daughter cry. It hurt her so much that my wife started to cry too!!
The funny thing about dealing with other people, especially medical people, is that the always assume things. We show up for this appointment and the nurse asks if we have given our daughter some motrin or tylenol to deal with the pain. We don't own motrin or tylenol, have never been advised that sometimes it's a good idea for kids to take pain medication before something hurts them or what the proper dosage of pain killer for an infant is. It seems kind of irrational to give someone, especially someone who has never had a shot before so we have no idea how she will react to the pain, medicine just in case. We have another appointment in two months, I will be calling the day before to find out if there is anything we should do before we bring our daughter in for that appointment.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Snowed under



Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Well the weather man was right...I guess. We had a Nor'Easter roll through New England today, Boston airport, 90% of the flights cancelled, nothing to do at work but watch the snowflakes fall. Time to ponder life and all that is going on around me, how things that are affecting me have no impact on most everyone else. Sometimes I reflect on the things that are affecting me that also affect everyone else. Sometimes I think about people who are just making ends meet, struggling to pay their bills, unable to spend anything extra or they won't have heat. "There but for the grace of God go I" is a thought that goes through my mind a lot when I think about these thoughts. I also think about the other extreme, the wasteful ways that people live, some have so much more than they ever need, they waste a lot because they have a lot to replace it.
I guess my family falls somewhere in the middle on the scale. We, thankfully, have enough money to pay our bills and spend some on extras (think dirtbikes). We do not have enough money to waste, at least waste in the way that I meant it in the first paragraph. I suppose we all waste things, I don't reuse plastic spoons for example and we use disposable diapers on our daughter which are very wasteful. But I digress, these thoughts or moments of clarity make me worry about what the future is going to hold for my child.
Is America going to provide the opportunities that were available to me to our daughter? How is China going to impact my daughter's ability to earn a living? What kind of jobs are there going to be for her? What are her interests going to be? Is he upcoming retirement boom going to move a lot of tax money away from the schools and towards services for the elderly? Ten years from now are we going to look back on the things George Bush jr, is doing and realize that his presidency was the beginning of the end of the America we knew? How are the issues we are dealing with radical Muslims, terrorists, homicide bombers, going to affect the world that my daughter is growing into. Some of these thoughts are scary, some are happy and some are just weird. They are my thoughts, unfortunately most of them do not have answers at this point. I have my own guesses about how these things will work out, hopefully I am wrong because most of my scenarios do not have happy endings.
These are the things that I think about when there are no airplanes to distract my attention. I am hopeful that the airport is open tomorrow.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Motivation



Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.

Abraham Lincoln

Working and being a dad and going to college and trying to stay in shape (or I should say trying to get into shape) is beginning to wear me down. I know that I should be excited, I should look forward to each new day with a fresh sense of enthusiasm but I am too tired to do that. I am unmotivated in school, very unmotivated at work and extremely reluctant to get into shape. I went back to school because our daughter was on the way and I was a little uncomfortable not having a degree. Now that she is here I don't want to miss out on a moment that I could be with her. School feels optional, it's not required like going to work is. It seems wasteful for me to be spending time away from my own daughter learning how to teach other peoples children. The only thing I want to do is be with my wife and daughter. It really is strange that although my daughter can't talk, sleeps a lot and can't move around she is the most interesting thing in the world to me right now.
I look forward to the times that she is awake, to the times when I get to hold her or just watch her watch everything else. I know in the long run that getting my teaching degree will allow me more time with my daughter, the schedule is much more kid friendly than air traffic control is. I know that if I can put off temporary enjoyment for long term goals my overall life will probably be better. That sure doesn't make it easy for me to pack up my books and head off to college though. Looking back it sure would of been smart for me to have finished this degree before we had our daughter. It seems pointless to talk about it now but I wasted a lot of time, time that would of been better spent improving myself and my educaional situation.
Everything happens at it's own pace, there's no going back and there's no use crying over spilt milk...none of these platitudes really are doing the job. I hope in the end that it's a worthwhile sacrifice and I don't miss out on too much.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Weather or not


If you don't like the weather in New England, just wait a few minutes.
Mark Twain

A snowstorm is forecast for my area tomorrow night and into Sunday. The kind of snowstorm they refer to as a Nor'easter, that means really bad to all you non-New Englanders. Personally, I think that forecasters should get the weather right most of the time now that they have the aid of computers and satellites. Sadly, they are still wrong and they are wrong way too much. Because of this forecast my mom and dad and brother and sister have decided to skip their visit for this weekend. I agree with the decision based on the available facts but it is going to be very frustrating if the weatherman is wrong again.
Parents don't get the luxury of help from satellites or computer modeling when they make "forecasts" for their kids, They also really don't get to be wrong because if they are adverse outcomes can occur in their child's life. It is one thing for my parents to have to come a different week, it's another for my daughter to think she can't be good at something because her parents told her she can't do it. There are going to be other "forecasters" in my daughters life as well. Teachers, friends, relatives and coaches all can tell my daughter that she can't do things. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, I just don't think everyone is entitled to share them with children.
I guess everyone has goals, dreams and ambitions that they didn't achieve in their lives. Things that are still undone and we hope to get to someday. Everyone has these feelings so I am sure my daughter will as well. I guess my goal is to try and make sure that my daughter has the opportunity to do what she wants to do and not let any of the "forecasters" in her life keep her away from her dreams.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Pros and Cons
















The great thing in the world is not so much where we stand as
in what direction we are moving.

Oliver Wendell Holmes



Everyone has done it. Whether you actually write them down or just do it in your head you've made pro and con lists for most every major decision in your life, right? Well I know that I do it, usually in my head but sometimes I have done it on paper. Whenever I do the list on paper it always seems that the negatives outweigh the positives. If I do the list in my head it is usually 50-50 which way it will go. As I sit here writing this blog my mind is racing with the thoughts of moving to another part of the country. Specifically, moving my wife, daughter and I to Atlanta in the great state of Georgia.
I guess some things need to be clarified, first of all I really am not too sure that Georgia is all that great of a state. I have never lived there, only driven through on my way to Florida. Second, my real goal is to get my family back to the Carolinas (either one, I'm not too picky) but Georgia is a lot closer to that goal than New Hampshire is. Basically, I want my daughter to grow up in the South if at all possible. New England is okay, if you like feeling like an outsider and the cold and snow don't bother you too much. The South just always felt more like home to both my wife and I, we moved to New England in the first place because it really was our only option at the time.
All of this background information is leading to this point, if not now when? People will tell you that moving with an infant is too hard, wait until the kids are a little older. Then the kids are in the terrible twos and you can't risk upsetting them so you can't move now. Then the kids are in school and have started to make their own lives so you have to wait until the kids are out of school before you move. Before you know it 18 years have passed and we are still in New Hampshire because we listened to everyone tell us how hard it was going to be to move with kids! I fully grasp that my child is going to be in charge of my social network, my free time and my home life for the next 15-25 years. I came to grips with that issue before she was born. One thing that I am having a problem with is giving control for everything over to the baby. We are still the parents, we still need to analyze and decide what is best for all of us in the family unit. Sometimes people want their kids to make the decisions in life that are hard. If the kids make the decision than no one can be mad with the parents over the results. I am not ready to let our 8 week old daughter take the blame for us being frozen with fear about moving.
Is it scary to move to a new place where you have no friends, no family, no history? Of course it is scary, it was scary when we moved to New Hampshire, it still is scary sometimes to be in New Hampshire. Is Atlanta the answer to all my dreams, prayers, hopes, and ambitions? I don't know but I can tell you that I know New Hampshire is not the answer. Is the devil that you know better than the devil that you don't? Probably. Can't you find someplace in New Hampshire that will make you happier but not involve changing everything? No, not from what I have seen. What is the main benefit to Atlanta? Cost of living, better opportunities for my daughter, more agreeable climate. What is the main benefit to New Hampshire? Status quo, no change is good change. How does my wife feel about this? Undecided.
We can pretty much make ourselves crazy with questions...questions that can't be answered until you experience the things you are weighing against one another. In order to experience them you must be willing to try them, hence my dilemma. It's kind of like being told that you don't have enough experience for a job but the only way to get experience is by getting the job.
Does anyone really know what the future holds? Is living in fear of change the best way to live? Is change just for the sake of change a positive or a negative?
I, for one, would rather shape my future to my personal needs and desires rather than let the future just happen.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Everyone will pay in the end


The character inherent in the American people has done all that has been accomplished; and it would have done somewhat more, if the government had not sometimes got in its way.

Henry David Thoreau

As we travel further and further down this path into parenthood, the information that is presented to help us along the way gets more and more scarce. When my wife was pregnant there were literally thousands of places to get information about the changes her body was going through, what to expect next, how she should be feeling if everything was normal and what she may feel if things weren't right. Once the baby is born there are thousands of more books that are geared to get you up and running as a new parent. The main book that isn't out there, perhaps because a book can't cover it all, is how a new parent can tell if their baby is happy, healthy, and growing like she should be.
Our daughter has developed this new habit over the last two-three days of 'spitting-up' a whole heck of a lot of milk after she eats. The amount coming out looks like it's roughly twice as much as went it. She has occasionally 'spit-up' a little bit, actually this was fairly normal after every feeding but the amount now is far from spitting up and more like full vomit. Her bowels have also become more liquid like over these past three days. Not that her bowels have ever been all that solid, after all the only thing she eats is liquid, but these last few days have really been quite different.
Of course there really is not anyone to call and pose these questions to. We called her doctor who says that it is normal and that we should take her temperature, rectally, just to make sure. Taking a rectal temperature, now I am just speaking for my wife and I now, is not something that we do on a regular basis. I do not know how to do it, I certainly could try to figure it out but how far do you insert it? Why can't I take it via the ear or the forehead or the armpit? Anyplace that doesn't require me to insert things into my daughter where things are not supposed to be inserted. This idea seems pre-historic to me. Almost like when the used to amputate limbs and use leeches to stave off infections. The medical community, in all honesty, can't come up with something better than this?
As it turns out our daughter appears to be feeling better and she has a doctor's appointment on Monday. My wife has about 67 questions for the doctor and she isn't going to leave until each of them is answered to her satisfaction. The people with appointments after my daughter's are all going to be a little bit late and that is the price that society pays for not equipping new parents with any kind of an owners manual or instruction sheet for new parents.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

In the public's eye


Never discourage anyone...who continually makes progress, no matter how slow.
Plato


We took our daughter into the real world today. Out of the little cocoon we have kept her in since she was born and out into the scary, dirty world we all share. I guess she has been out before, she's been to church twice, the doctor's office and to the supermarket. This was the first time that we have taken her out to eat as a family. The first time we ever got to say "Three" when the hostess asked us how many. The first time we tried to figure out what to do with her while my wife and I tried to eat.
Our plan was actually a pretty good one. We would go out after the lunch crowd was mostly gone so that we could have the restaurant to ourselves. The other part of the plan was to make sure that the baby had eaten before we got there. Our daughter needs to be full or else she wants to eat every thirty minutes.She was asleep at the Olive Garden for most of our lunch. She did wake up for about 10 minutes, just long enough to go to the bathroom. We usually take turns changing the babies diaper, this was my turn. Trying to figure out the best way to avoid touching anything in a public restroom when I go in by myself is enough of a challenge. Trying to change a baby in a public restroom without touching anything is impossible. There is the baby seat, the baby, the diaper bag, the wipes and the new diaper that all need to be placed somewhere in the restroom. Most likely the places they end up is someplace that someone else has urinated, sneezed, pooped or boogered on within the last 48 hours. Next time my daughter needs a diaper change and we are out, it is going to be done in the backseat of our truck.
My wife is a big fan of going out to eat, personally I can take it or leave it. Although I intend to expose our daughter to as many things as time and finances will allow there are going to be times that my own personal beliefs are going to get in the way. Hopefully, I am going to be able to put aside my own fears, prejudices, and dislikes long enough to let my daughter discover everything the world has to offer.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Savoring the flavor


The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin' Groovy) (1:42)
P. Simon, 1966
Released on Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme

Slow down, you move too fast
You got to make the morning last
Just kicking down the cobblestones
Looking for fun and feeling groovy
Ba da da da da da da, feeling groovy

Hello lamppost, what'cha knowing
I've come to watch your flowers growin'
Ain't cha got no rhymes for me?
Doo-it in doo doo, feeling groovy
Ba da da da da da da, feeling groovy

I got no deeds to do
No promises to keep
I'm dappled and drowsy and ready to sleep
Let the morning time drop all its petals on me
Life I love you, all is groovy


On February 5, 2006 the Pittsburgh Steelers won Super Bowl XL.
It seems so odd to write that in the past tense, it was only a moment or two ago that I was enthralled with watching the Steelers, hoping they wouldn't blow a golden opportunity to beat the Seahawks and bring some happiness to Pittsburgh.
That's kind of how this past few week have gone for us. It feels like everything is happening so quickly, too much happening at once and not enough time to stop and look around. As Ferris Bueller said "Life happens fast and if we don't stop and look around once in a while we may miss it."
I think a lot of people fall into this trap, there is always tomorrow to read to our kids, always tomorrow to be more than just someone our kinds see for 25 minutes a day. I understand that everyone needs to work but when I think about how fast things have gone all ready, how much I have missed, and our daughter is only 8 weeks old it scares me to think how much I'll miss by the time she's one.
With the passage of time we human beings to comprehend that everything, including hurt, anger, fears, happiness, joy, passes. As I look at my daughter I think about all the wasted time in my life. Time spent watching TV or stressing out about who knows what, something I forgot about a long time ago. The time we waste, we can't recover, we don't get it back. That is scary and it is something that I am working on to fix in my life. I owe my time to my daughter and my wife, not to TV, stress or work.
I am going to enjoy the Steelers victory for a good long time. I intend to enjoy my daughter for a lot longer.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Super or not?


"I'm not making any predictions, I'm just saying what we're doing."
Dan Rooney

Today is the day, the pinnacle of the football fans existance. The Super Bowl is about to begin and my stomach is bothering me, my palms are clammy and my throat is dry. I feel all these nerves and all I am doing is watching from my couch. I am amazed that the players can feel these same feelings and go out and do their jobs. They are getting ready to compete under such stressful situations, knowing that any mistake they make is going to magnified, replayed and examined over and over and over again for the rest of this month.
I guess that is sort of the way I feel when people ask how being a new dad is going. We read all the books, watched a few videos, talked to some other parents but now my wife and I are on the big stage. Maybe not as big a stage as the Super Bowl, but for my wife and I it is the biggest stage we have ever performed on. The future beliefs, fears, feelings and opinions of our daughter are going to be based on how we perform on the stage around her.
The main difference between the Super Bowl and us is that the Steelers and Seahawks are only doing it for 60 minutes, my wife and I are doing it for the rest of our lives.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Higher power




God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Voltaire


My wife and were raised in different religions. I was raised Lutheran, she was raised Catholic. This really was not that big of a deal when we got married, we were married in a Catholic church. We really never gave religion much consideration until we had our daughter.
I am uncomfortable that the Catholics do not allow women to become priests. The history and beliefs aren't really open for debate, especially not by someone with the theological background that I possess. It just doesn't seem right that my daughter is excluded from something just because she has no penis. I understand that this is many years from now but I have a real issue with anyone telling my daughter that she is not allowed to do something. That she is not as good as a boy just doesn't work for me. Especially coming from a place where we are taught that God and Jesus share their love, joy and beauty in the world with everyone equally.
We are going to raise our daughter Episcopalian, at least we are baptizing her Episcopalian. Religion is something that we want our daughter to be exposed to, we go as a family and I wanted to be able to take communion with my wife, the Catholics aren't going to let me do that. The Episcopalians allow everyone to take communion just like the Lutherans do. I felt uncomfortable asking my wife to convert to my religion, I wanted to find something that made us both comfortable. I think that the Episcopalians allow my family the opportunity to grow into our faith and to grow together as a family.
After we came to a decision on what religion to baptize we needed to focus on who would be our babies godparents. The nice thing about the Episcopalian faith is that the Godparents can both be women or both be men or have two women and a man or two men and a woman. My family is fairly large, I have two brothers and four sisters so one of the godparents is going to come from them. My wife has one sister so her decision is a little bit harder.
We have decided that my sister and my wife's best friend are going to be the Godparents for our daughter. As with anything there are going to be some people who are hurt that they were not asked and others happy that they weren't. Godparents are a nice tradition but I am not too sure they serve all that much of a purpose. It is almost like a ceremonial title. I have never heard of anyone's Godparents taking over the child's religious education if the parents decide that Church is no longer going to be a part of their children's lives. Hopefully, we won't put the people we chose in this uncomfortable position.
I have high hopes for my daughter, high expectations and she deserves to be exposed to a higher power. Maybe I'm just too sensitive, the Catholics have been around a long time before I got here and they'll be around for a long time after I croak..
I'll try not too talk too much about religion, politics or whatever that third thing is you're not supposed to talk about in this blog. But today it was talked about and it was something that I wanted to share, talk about and sort through my feelings.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Selfishness


Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
Oscar Wilde

If you have read any of my previous blogs then you have seen me write about selfishness, or lack of it, several times. Well today I did something that many, myself included, would consider selfish. I bought a dirtbike.
It's not really the money (although that is a part of it), it's also not really about the time (another part of it), it's more about the money and the time being spent on a solitary activity. That is what is selfish about this act. There are no baby seats on motorcycles. No sidecars in the woods. Unless my wife gets a dirtbike (not likely) she will stay home with the baby while I go off and have fun.
I am not opposed to having fun. Everyone should do it. I am opposed to leaving someone at home while someone else goes out and has themselves a big time.
My wife understands that getting this bike is something I've always wanted and that just having it makes me happier. I am sure that she isn't thrilled that it is going to take some of our time away.
I guess that although I am trying to give as much of myself to my family as I can, I still have some of that selfish little boy in me that wants things, just wants them. Hopefully, that little boy begins to realize that wanting and having are two separate things. This dirtbike is going to have to satisfy my selfish little boy for a good long time....

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Oh Doctor, Doctor, can't you see I'm callin'


The healthy, the strong individual, is the one who asks for help when he needs it. Whether he has an abscess on his knee or in his soul.

Rona Barrett

Today was the day of my yearly physical. My one time a year that I allow myself to be jerked around by someone in the medical profession. Wait out here , ok now wait in here , ok now wait over there, ok now take off all your clothes and wait in here. Let me ask you some questions that I have asked you before but for whatever reason never write down, good. Now let me listen to your chest, heartbeat? good. Now let me hit you with this little mallet, leg moved? good. Now let me move your, well never mind you get the idea. I understand the importance of going to the doctor, that's why I went in the first place but it's just frustrating. I only wanted to get a simple blood check, make sure my PSA's, FBI's, HDl's, Ldl's and whatever other acronyms are all in the right order. My doctor doesn't let you just go get the blood test done, he wants to see me first.
Overall, I am a healthy person. I am fortunate in that regard. I also understand that as a person ages maintaining good health becomes harder. My daughter is going to need me to stick around a few more years, hopefully a few more decades.
I have discovered a newfound strength from my daughter. If I am beginning to get aggravated I can remind myself that I am doing this for her. It seems to be working, at least it seems to be working for now.
The needs of my daughter are starting to come before my own selfish needs. Slowly the boy evolves into the man, and the father, he was supposed to be.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Feeding the beast



It is a pleasant thing to reflect upon, and furnishes a complete answer to those who contend for the gradual degeneration of the human species, that every baby born into the world is a finer one than the last.
Charles Dickens

Well last night was about all my wife could take. She has been a real, real strong person dealing with our daughter. Lack of sleep, pain from breast-feeding, total upheaval of her life, but this morning she had enough. This morning, I was in charge of taking care of the baby and no amount of pouting or complaining was going to get me off the hook.
I gave our baby her first bottle today. I have to admit that I have mixed feelings about the whole process. First of all, the baby looked totally confused by the idea that she was able to get milk from me and not my wife. Of course that's what I infer she was thinking, babies can't really comprehend such things can they? What if they can comprehend such things? Perhaps they know a lot more about what's happening around them than they get credit for...Probably not.
Anyway, I guess that getting milk from a breast and getting milk from a bottle are not the same thing. Our baby is now an expert at getting her fill from my wife, she is a rank amateur at getting any milk from a bottle. She just can't swallow all the milk fast enough and it spills out of her mouth and down her shirt and makes a big mess.
This process did not allow me the bonding that I had anticipated. It really did not allow either of us much of anything but frustration. From my daughter's point of view there is lot of reasons to cry over spilt milk. I guess that eating out of a bottle is going to be a learning process for my daughter and for her parents. Time will pass, more bottles will be offered, and less and less milk will get spilled over time.
In time my daughter will begin to understand that mom and dad care for her in different ways. Sometimes Dad's way is more messy, more frustrating, and dirtier but he's still trying to do the best that he can for his baby.